I get the strange feeling I have written this article before: if I have, apologies but recent discussions I have had have added some greater depth to this topic area.

Growing up I have always had this sense that I was pretty alright. Even in my lowest emotional points, my self-esteem and honest belief that I had the potential to get out of it and surpass it has always been in tact.

This combined with my rather idiosyncratic personality and interests has resulted in many of my peers and superiors classifying me as shall we say, arrogant.

Now There are 3 Potential Reasons People Might Say That

1) Because people think I really shouldn’t be that confident about things so different from what they are confident about (after all, humility is not exactly a mark of the African personality so it can’t be a pure aversion to over-confidence)

2) I might actually be a little too confident and up my own posterior.

3) Reasons that I don’t know or understand

This is the story of how I realized that my self-confidence doesn’t really mean squat. Just because I think I’m worth something doesn’t mean other people are obligated to do so.

This is also the story of how this may happen to you when you immigrate overseas. Or if you are already here in the diaspora, this might be a story you have already experienced or heard about.

From Hero to Zero to Hero to Zero

I have told the story of how I came to Australia with a head big enough to fit its own Milky Way and how I went from the coolest new accessory in the country to about as desirable as a rash in the middle of the night.

But Here’s the Thing

As I was talking to people over the course of this week I realized: it has happened to other people too. Now give me a “Hell yeah!” if this has ever happened to you.

The Story

1) You arrive in a new country

2) You enter a new school, new place of worship, new sports group or any new social group within your host country.

3) That first week/month you make a bunch of new friends and you make great connections. You may even get telephone numbers and begin making plans for the future.

4) You are happy that you are in a new country and you are thankful that folks are so friendly.

When the Doody Hits the Fan

5) Might be your second week/month, third week/month or much later but it begins when you are passing one of your new friends in the hall.

You say, “Hi”

They say……………….NOTHING! They just pass you in the hall as though they never met you.

6) At this point you may get a little confused. This doesn’t happen to you. Where you’re from, when people were acquantances or friends, they at the very least acknowledge each other.

Rinse and Repeat

7) And then you get ignored again and again and again.
Before you realize it, you have lost most if not all of the new friends you made.

9) No one ever wrote the manual on how to handle the situation like this and so as much as you might try to feel otherwise you feel one, or a combination of the feelings below:

a) Worthless and not special at all.

b) Confused

c) Angry and spiteful at the people who have rejected you

d) Very very very alone.

If You Have Ever Gone Through This

Or know someone who has, feel free to leave a comment below and tell me all about it and tell me how you got over it.

If You are About to Immigrate Overseas

Especially Australia, be aware that this might happen to you. It doesn’t always happen, but from time to time this does happen. It has happened to me and this week, I met two other people who it has happened to.

So don’t be shocked, don’t be scared, don’t be confused, you are not alone, there are other folks who have gone through it two.

Immigrant Survivor Guide Newsletter

I have some tips for handling that situation in my free email newsletter: the Immigrant Survivor Guide Newsletter which you can sign up for by putting your first name and email address into the boxes below.

I Hate Spam, So I Won’t Share Your Email With Anyone.

Hope I have helped articulate some things that some of y’all have felt for a long time but have never had articulated.

For Some Added Depth

Check out the guest post that gal africana did where she added some flavour to this topic.

Be blessed and bless others,

Mwangi

This blog post is about one of the first articles in the history of this blog, Jungle Fever: The Relationship Between African Men and White Women

A couple of things happened this week, that made me think about the Jungle Fever article:

1) The Direction of the Blogging

I am almost at the end of my blogging course, Blog Mastermind. As such I am thinking more and more about just what I will do once I have laid the foundation for this blog and have fully determined what this blog will be about.

After being in the blogosphere for a while I have seen that there are a few categories that are almost always guaranteed to get a lot of readers:

1) Sex and relationships: You can’t go wrong with this one on the Internet, you just can’t. Sad to say, but the cruder and more graphic you can be, the better.

2) Politics: I believe that if the Devil were to spit bile and mix it with the intestinal stew of a skunk, it would look a little bit like tribalism and irrational hate filled discussions about politics. However, there is no doubt: you want faces to come to your blog, talk about a controversial political issue.

3) Religion: This one surprised me. People love to talk about religion whether Eastern, Western or lack thereof.

4) Money: The key component to this one appears to be credibility. Once you have built credibility behind a particular brand and begin to talk about how people can make money or hustle a little smarter,  you will get face time.

Back to the Set

Anyway, there I was sitting in a bookshop reading a book about blogging (I hope the irony of my spending my offline time studying the online world has not escaped you) I started to think about just how popular the Jungle Fever and other relationship articles had been.

I have talked in the past about spinning off the Displaced African and starting up a blog which is dedicated entirely to the exploration and discussion of foreign and mixed race relationships. I started thinking about this again, and thought it might be a good idea. Who knows? Watch this space……..

2) I Sent a Letter to an Editor

I have been sending emails to newspapers and online magazines and radio stations to try and get some publicity to the blog. I am not too proud to admit, I am doing it all wrong.

My microtest of about 15 media houses has produced below-mediocre results. If anyone has any tips on how I can approach African mass media right and get some publicity for the blog, hit me up on masmilele(at)thedisplacedafrican(dot)com

Anyway, one of the letters I sent to an online publication proposing that we discuss the Jungle Fever article on their publication. Their very courteous response in short was:

Thanks for the email. We think your article is a little too offensive and one sided for a publication like ours.

And so just like I responded to them, let me say to all of you:

It is BECAUSE the article is so offensive and one sided that it must be discussed

I Was Surprised

No one was more surprised than me by what the reaction so far has been to that article: whereas many white women have stopped by to tell me how narrow minded and stereotype-supporting the article was, the reaction from the African community can only be surmarised as:

a) Quite agreement

b) Outright support

Does that mean that we all agree that African men are pretty much scraping from society’s barrel as far as relationship and sexual partners are concerned?

Did I just verbalize something we all knew: that on the totem pole of society, African men are kissing the lowest part of the pole?

It’s one thing to stereotype and it’s another to point out the truth. So, read Jungle Fever now and you tell me, is it true? Does it resonate with your experience?

Secondly, how does the idea of a foreign and mixed race relationship blog sound? Does the blog exist? Leave a comment below with the link.

Have a great day/night,

Mwangi

]]> http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/07/a-few-quick-thoughts-about-jungle-fever/feed/ 19 http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/07/what-everybody-ought-to-know-about-friendship/ http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/07/what-everybody-ought-to-know-about-friendship/#comments Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:00:20 +0000 Mwangi http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/?p=473

Before I Get the Ball Rolling

As always I like to give shout outs to everyone out there in the world wide African web doing great things. (Btw why are some of you African webmasters and bloggers so insular?) With that in mind, let me show some quick love to two people who have shown me an excess of affection:

Nigerian Entrepreneur

I asked him to write a tutorial on how people with lousy Internet connection can use Windows Live Writer to become more efficient bloggers and he complied. I haven’t read the article yet, but if it’s anything like his other work, it’ll be useful.

Windows Live Writer Tutorial

If you are reading this in a country or region where the net is slow check that link out.

Pam from SARFM Radio

If you check out the Displaced African’s media and press appearance’s page, you will realize that this week I added one new media appearance to the flock. It was a fun interview I conducted with Pam from SARFM Radio. Much more straight up fun than it was serious and insightful, feel free to check it out.

Anyway, Pam sent me this email after the interview requesting that I put the word out:

If you are an East African writer or artist or doing anything good and you need some free publicity, Pam from SARFM radio would love to hear from you. Either find them by checking out the SARFM radio website or by leaving a comment below or getting in contact with me.

On to the Main Business

The ideas behind this post are still quite fresh and have not fully marinated in my head: if you find the post, too abstract, leave a comment below and let me know.

I am not going to say anything particularly revolutionary or brand new in this post, because this post was caused by my being forced to remember something quite fundamental about frienships that even I sometimes forget:

There is a reason that someone is your friend. Take away that reason and unless there is/are another reason(s) that you are friends, they will cease to be your friend.

A Problem

A problem I often hear expressed when people make a life long change like converting religions or changing their lifestyle or changing anything dramatic or at the core of being a person is that they “realize that”:

People who they thought were their friends turned out to be “fake friends”.

Because this person ceases to be a friend the way they once were, it is taken as a betrayal of a friendship that one thought was eternal and immutable.

The Flaw in this Type of Thinking

I think the deepest flaw in this type of thinking is that its a very narcissistic way of viewing the world where you don’t take the moment to consider that perhaps other people may be just like you.

Isn’t there a reason that everyone who is your friend is your friend?

The Different Types of Friends We Have

Don’t you have friends for at least one of the following reasons:

1) Friends of circumstance: People who you see so often whether at school, work, church or anywhere you frequent regularly. You just have to figure out how to get along whether you like the other person initially or not.

2) Friends of events: Friends who you do certain things with: this is especially true for people who have friends for worshiping and others for partying. And then there are others for all sorts of hobbies or miscellaneous activities.

3) Friends who are like you: Immigrants get pulled to their own countrymen because they share a nation. Immigrants are pulled to each other because they are all foreign nationals. People think like you do, like what you like and have similar interests and since you like the same things, by extension you like each other.

4) Friends who make you feel good: This one is a huge category that encompasses so many things such as friends who make you feel good because they make you feel superior, friends who excite you with their humour and outlook on life and all sorts of things about them just make you happy.

I am sure I have missed a couple, so please leave a comment and add to the list.

This Element is What Pulls you Together

There are 6 billion people in the world. We are not all friends with each other. We tend to be pulled into relationship and community with people for one of the preceeding four reasons (and any others you may add below).

That element is what binds you together. It’s not that he’s human and your human and so you’ll just naturally get along.

Take away that string that holds the two of you together, and unless you have other things that connect you, your friendship will end.

Why I Wrote this Post

I wrote this post for a couple of reasons:

One Like the Sun

Firstly, to speak to those people who have the problem above. Take a moment and reflect. When you changed, did that affect the very thing that connects you to each other? If that is the case, then does it surprise you that your friendship ended?

Let’s turn the tables: If you had never changed and your friend had changed the way you had, don’t you think YOU would have found it a bit difficult to remain friends with that person?

Two Like a Shoe

Secondly, I wrote this to encourage you to reflect on the bonds that lock you and your current friends together. What are they? Are they strong? Are they weak? Are they multiple? This simple act of reflection can go a long way towards helping you strengthen whatever friendships you may have by working on strengthening the connections that bring you together day after day. It may also help you figure out why you drift apart should you do so.

Three Like a Tree

Finally, I wrote it to encourage you to go out there and form more bonds with the friends you currently have. To illustrate this point I will use an absolutely terrible example from my teenage years (hopefully you’ll do better )

The Story: the Last Time I Ever Shoplifted

I had this very good friend in high school. One day he and I decided that we wanted to drink alcohol and that we were also too poor to pay for it. And so we went to a supermarket in the city to restock on some poisonous brew.

We walked around the store pretending to browse around for close to an hour meanwhile taking sachets of brandy and rum and shoving them into whatever compartment and hole we could find.

As we were about to make the “victory march” out of the store, we were pounced on by two plain clothed store policemen who bumrushed us not out of the store but all the way to the back where we were locked in a tiny manager’s office.

What proceeded was an extended period of me and my buddy lying, being discovered as heartless, and very very cheap liars, getting beaten up by a store manager because:

” I go to work everyday to pay school fees for my children so that SCHUPID children like yourself can come here to steal our stuff”

Me and my buddy left the store and immediately jumped into one of the severely overcrowded buses which was the inspiration behind tales such as this one.

As we rolled home, and onto way more debauchery and self-destructive behaviour, we looked at each other and realized we had just become greater friends. We had stolen together, gotten caught together, lied for each other, had the sense knocked into us together and we were still here……..together.

No longer would we just have good conversation, a classroom and silliness to bind us. Now we had a whole lot more.

Back to the Final Point

I use this example half tongue-in-cheek but I hope you see the point. Friendship is one of those important areas that I do not think we should leave to chance: stop reading this post now, leave me a nice comment and go out there and create another bond with your friend.

Your future self won’t regret it.

Have a friendly day,

Mwangi

PS: Feels like I haven’t written a post like this in a while and so it felt good to do this. Leave a comment and subscribe to the blog via RSS or email (apparently this tutorial is quite useful, so if you have no clue what RSS is, check out this little video tutorial page)

Pretty provocative title huh?

This article was provoked by a discussion I started having over at Kelly’s blog, (you know I think its the blog I have linked to the most times unless I’m mistaken), anyway, I’ll quote the little discussion we had below:

Kelly said:
Do you believe in divorce? – Yap!
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce? – If any relationship is not working out, I don’t believe in struggling to make it work. Life is too short to spend it unhappy, fighting and stuff.

Mwangi said:
Do you believe in divorce?-Absolutely, totally, unequivocally not: Why make such a commitment and make some trust you when at the back of your mind you know you can break that trust. The fact that it exists, saddens me.
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce?-Nope, she’d have to kill me. Even if she tried to (kill) me with a butcher knife,she is my wife and my gift from God, I have to take care of her until death parts us.

Kelly said:
@Mwangi: …….can I just say I love the way you’re passionate about the whole ’till death do us part thing’? For me, thats one part of the vows that I don’t plan to say IF I’m getting married cos I know, unfaithfulness, and several other things can do us part.

Mwangi said:
Btw (by the way for the unitiated), though I know this will severely limit my options once the time comes,if a woman believes in divorce she immediately puts herself in the buddy with benefits corner and no further than that. Ai, no, personality and compatibility matters a whole lot less to me than the knowledge that me and her will be together, forever through anything…..


Kelly said:
It’s kinda sweet but also scary to know the man you’re marrying would rather die than divorce you…

Mwangi said:
It’s a fear I am willing to live with, this is a lifelong thing…….

Val said:
Wah…mwangi..ati you’d rather death than divorce?? As PinkMM says thats tres scary..I believe in struggling to make it work..but only if both of you are committed to it..otherwise one sided struggles don’t do it for me

Mwangi said:
@Val: When one is young and the relationship is casual, keep it as casual as can be, no biggie, no problems there. But what I am not a fan of is people who lie to themselves and each other (telling someone you have known for a month or so I will love you forever, unless you bore me, do something wrong, make me feel worthless enough times, something better comes along etc etc) But if you look someone in the eye, and before God and a preacher make a committment to do something for life, you shouldn’t say something like that if you don’t mean it. If you do that, you’re lying to your spouse, the preacher, God, all the guests and most of all yourself. I don’t really want to be the type of person who has to lie to myself. Yeah, it’s not really as grave as it sounds, but when I decide to committ I intend on taking it very seriously. That’s why I was saying I know my way of thinking will severley limit my options: not enough people really believe in those marriage vows really, there is always a caveat (if I become unhappy, infidelity, my career, money problems, if it’s not working out etc etc) Hmm there might be a post in this somewhere we’ll see.

Mwangi, You’re Young Why are You Thinking About Such “Heavy Stuff” Now?

Well, the reason is because I deeply believe in the principle:

Begin with the end in mind

In spite of everything that I may or may not do while I am young, dumb and full of………, I must forever remember that when it’s all said and done I will eventually be blessed with the gift of a wife ( or wives ) and children who I will be responsible for every single day until I die.

So I think it’s important, from even the age of 15 or whenever it is that you gain some form of self-awareness for you to start thinking about the type of husband, father, friend, person you want to be. What you focus on is what you become? So please make sure you are in control of that.

Till Death Do Us Part!……..Unless……….

As you can see from the comments above, the mentality I am moving forward with and cultivating as I go along is that when I get married it’s till death do us part, full stop, exclamation.

In my mind I put no caveats on that statement: even if she tries to kill me I’ll stay with her, even if she bores me or doesn’t fulfill me emotionally I will stay, even if she tries to steal from me or cheats on me, I’ll stay.

Easier Said Than Done

Of course this is much easier said than done, but one thing that this life is teaching me is that in order to succeed in any field of endevour, you determine the desired outcome first and work on creating that rather than the “let’s wait and see what happens” mentality that a lot of folks chose to live by.

So Why Do You Think Like That?

I know a lot of you probably grew up in families where there were one or two people who were just black sheep through and through and through. Self destructive to the max and always bringing down the people around them.

I was so touched when I looked around at the times when this situation took place and realized that the family always stuck by the black sheep. That type of loyalty even during the hard times really inspired me.

In my first few years here, when I was an angry kid just trying to find my way, there were teachers in high school ( Mrs. S and Mr. K ) and relatives of mine who always tried to talk to me and guide me and mentor me and all through that period, my family was there. I never forgot that.

None of these people HAD to do anything. They could have thrown me out when I wasn’t-and still am not-the best person to be around. They could have ignored me or simply dismissed me as crazy, not always a bad thing, but they didn’t. They stuck by me.

I Want to Be…

I want to become the type of man who does that for my family. I never ever want my child or spouse to be in question as to whether or not I’ll leave or betray them. I never want to doubt myself or my ability to live up to the principles and standards that I set.

I view my spouse(s) and whatever kid(s) I may have as divine gifts from God that I am responsible for until the day that I day and I want to live that viewpoint through my actions.

Let’s Talk About Love

Now as many of you know, I am not at all a fan of building a life long marriage upon feelings of infatuation (what other folks called love) and that I don’t tend to view love the same way that other individuals look at it.

But will I be looking to get married to someone who infatuates me, of course. Will I want an absolutely gorgeous, curvaceous, bottom-heavy (African men know what I’m talking about) woman who I can converse with and who I feel I can bring something to? Of course!

BUT, I do not want our union to be based upon how much she infatuates me today. Sure I want to cultivate and work on passion so that I go nuts for her (I am easily entertained and excited so this shouldn’t be too hard) for the rest of our lives. But if she doesn’t drive me nuts, I don’t want to be the type of man who leaves in pursuit of the next thrill.

I don’t want my child to question their own worth because daddy can’t somehow find a way to navigate around the fact or solve the problem of the sexual spark being gone.

In Conclusion

And so I’m just letting you know, and in fact if this blog will still be around then, I expect you guys to hold me accountable, that when I go before a church, God, my family, friends and that minister, look a woman in the eye and tell her:

I will be there in sickness and in health. The good times and the bad. From this day forward you and whatever children we may have are my divine gifts that I will serve, love, protect and live for, TILL DEATH DO US PART!

You best believe I mean that. Of course it’s kind of scary, this is a lifelong journey with no guarantees: I would be scared for you if that didn’t make you a little nervous.

Be blessed and bless others,

Mwangi

It will take me some time to get to my point so bear with me. For quite a few years now I have been fascinated with understanding relationships. Even though I am still in the stage of life where I am pretty much a wholesale seed distributor, I have always loved to reflect on, study and understand relationships that work and work for a really long time.

Long Distances and Mashada

So, anyway, one day I ended up on the popular message board Mashada quite distraught. There had been two long distance relationships I had looked at and thought to myself:

They will go the distance those ones. They’ll make it.

Typically when people in their 20s show up in the diaspora and say they are in a long distance relationship, I think of it at the very least as a joke and at the very most as an exchange of physical pleasure and flattery every so often, though when apart from one another, everyone and everything is fair game.

But not these two. Allow me to explain.

Relationship Number 1

They were both in their late 20s. They had both long since put the fun and nonsense that is high school and University behind them (point one for them). She was abroad pursuing her Masters and he was back in Africa holding down the fort.

When she spoke of him one could see that they clearly had a deep friendship and their relationship wasn’t just based on some superficial attraction (point two for them). She is a woman and she is abroad, and so of course African men jumped on her like chaff on Velcro. For a good year or so, the two men who had put forth the most consistent effort were consistently being shut down in spite of their clear charm (point three for them).

A Small Crack in the Ceiling

But alas one of them one evening managed to get her in a room for a game of tonsil hockey which was unfortunately interrupted midway. As soon as the interruption took place, the woman sped out of that room and we all thought that was all she wrote.

Six Months Later

Fast forward six months later and both of these men got what they wanted from her in spite of the fact that she had a chance to go back to Africa and visit her guy.

Relationship Number 2

She was quite young, still of college age, but she was the quintessential woman of faith (point number one for them). She admitted that once someone had her, he had her for life (point two for them) and that was pretty much her intention with her significant other.

No one has come between them, but the fellow who is also pretty young (point one against) has ended the relationship by trying to let her down easy. I won’t go into too much detail, all I will say is it took me by quite some surprise just how quickly it ended.

Right Back to Mashada

So anyway I end up on Mashada and I decide to ask folk:

Do these long distance relationships ever work?

Now of course a lot of you already know the answer that 9 times out of 10, especially when we are talking about people in their 20s they don’t work BUT out of that discussion something came up that I thought was definitely worth discussing.

Are Family and Community the Cornerstones of Succesful and Long Lasting Relationships?

You’ve all watched the TV shows where someone takes their partner to their parent’s home and the parents totally disapprove of him or her. In a moment of defiance, the person will normally grab their partner tight, leer at his or her parents and say something to the extent of:

Well she’s not marrying you. She’s marrying me and I love her. So regardless of whether you approve of this marriage or support it, we’ll get married anyway.

And then they walk of hand in hand to face the world together: Just the two of them and their love.

Is that a Huge Mistake?

In Australia we have this tabloid type program that’s very popular called a Current Affair. Sometime ago they had a special on Indian arranged marriages where they were trying to explore why Indian marriages last so much longer than typical Western marriages that are basically like Russian roulette with a 50/50 chance.

One of the things that came out of that is someone said:

In an arranged marriage, one isn’t simply marrying a person, they are marrying their family (or clan or community).

That got me to thinking….weren’t traditional marriages exactly the same and didn’t they also have the ridiculously low divorce and run away rates?

Accountability and Committment

I am just speculating based on the limited information I have but I think what it ultimately boils down too is when you marry or form a relationship with someone’s family or community instead of just them you have made a committment and are accountable to a lot more people.

Compare this with the typical love relationship where one is usually not even answerable to their spouse but instead to their feelings. How can we possibly expect to build a long lasting relationship or commit to anything long term simply on the basis of how we feel when we are so damn capricious as human beings? (I have waited so long to use one of my favourite words, capricious)

When you marry a family you are answerable to a lot of people and this helps get you by when your feelings tell you that you don’t feel like going.

They Force You Back Together

When you decide you need distance from each other lest you kill each other, you retreat to a family/and or community which considers itself a part of your relationship and so will try to force the two of you together……….

Back to You

My mental exercise ends there. What do y’all think? Does marrying someone’s family and community make a difference? Is this a load of bollocks? Leave a comment and let me know.

Just trying to figure this whole thing out,

Mwangi

Introduction

1) An Open Letter to Women on How to Treat Men

2) Sunny’s article on the Walk for Breast Cancer

Letter To Men

I am writing to let you know that there are some general things that you should know concerning women, especially women that you want to date. NB:I speak for myself and we( refers generally to things about women that I think are true) and any reference to any person living or deceased is purely coincidental)

Be Yourself

The funniest and wittiest are known by their consistency.You may be trying too hard, or too little. Either way,I, and many others would rather have you. Include some cute quirks. Some women are fascinated by multilingual people, that includes those who can speak Sheng slang and English, multiple vernaculars, Jamaican creole etc Others like dull as nails academic types, you may fit in that category. Others appreciate handy DIY people who can fix things and teach me how to change a tire. You have a unique personality, I do not want a created character.

On that note, here is something for the nice guys.

Nice Guys

We know who you are. We see some women in your life treating you like a doormat/ATM Machine/gold mine. I have the female sight, and when I met her I knew exactly why she wanted to be with you, especially if she thinks you are $$$ and wants a chunk of you. My friend,head for the hills, I do not care what her best quality is.That is one reason why ‘nice guys finish last’, and you can see how years of such treatment would jade and destroy even the most indomitable nice guy. How do you know whether your lady would do that to you?. Sorry, I can only ask you whether you are happy with your girl, be wary if you hear that too often from your female pals, your sis, your mom!

Flowers and Chocolate

I may love them so please, do be creative, BUT I may be allergic, I may associate them with sad times. I may think that is cheesy beyond! Tip: The more public the flower display the better. Chocolate – Makes me happy, makes me happy about you, if well timed.

My Gal Pals

If you are intimidated by my gal pals, I cannot change that. They get me through the times when the stuff hits the fan. What I can say is that they are part of my life. Do not try and adjudicate who stays and who goes, I knew them before you came along. Plus, if you can calm down about them, I may be more open to you and the boys hanging out, without me.

Chivalry

It so happens that we like to have doors opened for us when out with you. We know its soo last century but we like it, so if you could avoid entering everywhere chest first, that would be much appreciated.Since we are in the 21st century, dont hesitate to ask whether I mind having the door opened, as I will let you know exactly how I feel about the whole practice. Be sure that its the small things that
matter.

Paying For the Date

I really do not care for where the date will be, but can we decide early whether we are going dutch(split) or if you are paying, and where we are going, in case you take me somewhere in the $$$$ price range of Chez L’Ami and I can only afford a hotdog, and chips for five shillings(taken from Ndarlin P) – Do not embarrass me by pulling stunts when the check arrives, because that is tacky.

Karma

Lady Karma follows you. I am one of those pedestrians who will always try and cross the road, regardless of how many drivers (as we often do in Nairobi) because I have a feeling nobody would want to risk bad luck in love for life by hitting a pretty lady. Also and more seriously, do not even think that because you screwed me over and walked away, that someone will not do the same to your best friend, sister, beloved female role model or that the same fortune will not follow you.

Talking About You

When you meet me, and start telling me about how your high school rugby team won some tournament (think Prescott, schools etc) or that you invented the national recipe for your regional beer, look! look! notice how my eyes are glazing over. You are boring me. I do not want to hear a play by play account of your illustrious career as an actor, or why you think your take on politics/sports/cooking/travel is so fascinating. I want to have a dialogue (read two people exchanging ideas) therefore…a quick mention will be enough. If you are truly interested, shut up, really listen, then you will not ask me later questions like…

What Kind of Man Do I Like

Do not ask me what kind of man I like. Did someone give people this line along with the ‘You have been running through my mind all night,” variety. Seriously. If you put me on the spot, I may, or may not tell you what you want to hear. Use your common sense which I think is pretty common…

Common Sense

This common sense dictates that when you approach me, you know what you are doing, so do not play a fool. Do not act like I was seeing my own things, or hearing my own tired lines from you. Especially,do not quote movie lines, ‘ Its not me its you” “I need time to find myself” “Things have not been the same between us” because they are so cliche, and we know what movie that is, cause we watched it with you.Come on, really?

Prowess

If you need to brag about it, it is probably not true. Enough said. The world is filled with enough fiction, and there is no need to add your own.

Just Not That Into You

I have not called back, she does not want to text. She probably lost interest. Or, your incessant calling put her off, or the fact that you are stalking her by either following her home physically (by public transportation in the same vehicle) or online (MySpace, Facebook, etc). Either way step back. Like many women, I am also not into married, attached or otherwise engaged men, and if you fit into those categories and I have told you to back off, I really do mean it. I am not into another person’s meat, its poison!

There is a lot of conditional points in these lines. Women are wonderful, whole complete beings. Each one is delicate( to be handled with care, not ‘easily broken‘) and valuable ( has supporters who would willingly bash your face in if you tried a dumb stunt).

Over to you Mwangi.

By Sunny,

From Project Sunshine

For more posts perspectives on relationships from Africans living in the diaspora, subscribe for free updates via email or RSS

Ladies, I love you, I adore you and God made you more beautiful than the roof of Sistine Chapel. In addition to that, some of you have genuine reasons to complain, after all, a lot of the time, men are well (no offence fellas) useless really. Just selfish users who don’t bring much to your life. HOWEVER, for the love of all that is peaceful and pure: please stop complaining so much.

Aah Stories from Puppy Love

I remember when I was a wee tyke I once met this girl and we began talking on the phone. Now at the time I had the smoothness and the subtlety of a wrecking ball so I barreled along until eventually she rejected me with, “You are so immature.” I was a teenager, so…….anyway……Years later, I began to reflect on what we talked about whenever we were on the phone and it went a little something like this:

Cue the Narcissism

I love chocolate. One time I was walking and eating some caramel, with some nuts and mint, Cadbury oh-my-goodness-it-was-just-melting-in-my-mouth-chocolate and this boy came to talk to me. I told him psssshhhh, I don’t talk to boys when I’m eating chocolate.

One time I was talking to my friend and this boy interrupted us to talk to me and I was like (three guesses) pssshhh, you can’t interrupt me when I am talking to my friends.

And Then These Delightful Creatures Grow Up to Become Women

Just to be clear, I did not make the above dialogue up. Now that I am older, I realized that a lot of the conversations I have with women are opportunities for women to complain:

You will never guess the stressful day I had, the people at work/ the lecturers did/this tramp did……..(30 minute complaint session)

X person is such a (insert expletive here), they did………..(30 minute monologue).

You will never believe the (expletive) that tried to hit on me today, he actually tried (latest technique that playas and pick up artists are trying), the loser he…..(30 minute soliloquy)

It’s Just Me!

I don’t know if I am alone on this one, but I honestly don’t want to take 30 minutes to learn what you don’t like about the world and it’s current state. Instead I would love to take those 30 minutes and:

a) Find out what you like. What turns you on about this life so I can give you more of it.

b) What you like that I like: We will definitely do more and have more of that.

c) Solving your problems. You know what happens when you have a problem?A solution

But That’s How Women Are…..

I know that a lot of you are saying…….

“But that’s how women are. We work through our problems by ranting and raving about them, meditating on them and having a cry about them. We start the venting on you, not for your benefit, but for ours because we know once the vent is over, whether or not a solution has been reached, we will feel better.”

Here’s Where I am Coming From

Well that’s fair enough. I know there will be those times when you just need a friend/lover/brother/cousin/basically a man to just listen to you and try to understand and empathize with where you are coming from.

Please understand, there will be days when it will be too much and your unleashing of stress will have the melodic timbre of nails being drawn across a chalk board. At times, empathize with me and I will empathize with you.

Understand that:

1. I never burden you with a problem unless I am thinking through the solution with you at the same time.

2. I exist and do my best to make you the happiest and best person I think you can be.

So understand that many a time I will look at it as nothing but needless whining that can be solved. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the fact that you trust me enough to share your inner most turmoil. I’m just sharing some of my turmoil with you.

As a Great Western Poet Once Said say xoxoxo,

Let’s make love and not complain today,

Mwangi

NB: To see the levels of exasperation that this can lead to -from someone who is a much better listener than I (and is a woman) please check out Shiroh’s post on people who ask for advice but don’t act on it.

I am growing up. I am actually growing up. Over the past couple of weeks, ever since I got hit by the lovebug, one thought has loomed deep in my mind: what type of husband/wife and father/mother do I want to be?

Now, seeing as I have the level of moderation of a junkie, I have thought about the answer to that question constantly and realized that in the grand scheme of things I have a lot of work to do.

I am still very domineering, especially of people that I know, and I think I need to calm down and work on creating the type of home where people can be comfortable being themselves and don’t have to worry about battling me for dominance.

In spite of that I want to create a home where people will feel safe. I want them to feel that when the world is crashing around them, I will be in control and I will handle what needs to be handled.

One place that I have made huge strides is honesty: Some time ago, I viewed my ability to lie to women as a virtue. Those days have since vanished. I want my woman to KNOW EVERYTHING about me. This isn’t because I am proud of everything I have done, especially in relationships, but because I want her to feel safe to be honest around me.

I want to home school my kids. The criticism I constantly hear about this is that the child is isolated from other youth and doesn’t develop social skills. For this reason I will probably enroll my child into a Christian school which he will attend a couple of days a week and I will home school him the rest of the week. Or maybe I will meet up with other parents who home school and we will create play dates. However it happens, I want to be responsible for shaping the character of the gift of life that God will give me.

The way I see my life going, I will probably end up a born again Christian who will found my own church ala Erwin Mcmanus. It will be a church focussed around men and developing men of character and strength. It will be practical and focussed on building projects such as Fidelis Wainaina did in Maseno i.e. projects that help people become self-sufficient, independent and self-confident.

I will create step-by-step guides for men on how to control their sexuality rather than be controlled by it. I think I have already spoken about how necessary this is, but in my case it will be beyond necessary because I WILL ALWAYS be faithful to my wife, not ony in my body but in my mind. I never want my eyes to even begin to find the possibility of the idea of straying attractive. I want my mind, body and soul to be drawn to only my muse and will do everything I can to ensure that happens.

I fear that I will not be enough. I am so idiosyncratic as a human being, and it is so easy to hate me that I fear one day after years and years of marriage, I will do something that will turn her off and she will leave me. I don’t know if this fear will ever leave me. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.

I also fear that my wife will cheat on me. Some men can be so good at seducing women, I fear that in the midst of some turmoil or a period where passion is waning, a man will sweep in and sweep my wife of my feet. I would be devastated. Maybe this fear will leave me, maybe it won’t.

I want my child to experience first hand the consequences of addictions. I want him to work in rehab centres and sexual addiction clinics so that he can understand the power of moderation and control and what can happen when you don’t have it.

I have to develop cleaning routines. At the moment my cleaning habits and routines are…..errr…..errr…..lacking to say the least.

I hope I will like the type of people my kids grow up in to. Because like everyone in my family, even though they shoot me, I will still love them.

I never ever want us to fight over money. From the moment our souls interlock, every cent I will ever earn will be hers. In my mind I am lucky in that I don’t fear poverty, so she can take every cent I have and I will still love her (who woulda thought huh?).

I will be the best lover ever. If not at the beginning, give me time. My personality is way too obsessive for me to not work on it until every evening is a spiritual experience.

What type of husband, father, mother, wife and lover do you want to be? I never thought I would ever have such a strong desire to become a better human being: I guess love sickness does it to you.

Before you leave, make sure you leave a comment below.

You are loved, please go out today and spread that love,

Mwangi

As we wind down into the weekend, I am very much in the mood to discuss relationships. Therefore, let me express my views on a rather controversial topic in this day and age.

Promiscuity: Why Aren’t Men and Women Judged by the Same Standards?

First of all, as I have expressed in the past, though this lifestyle is still a part of my past and present, my respect for the promiscuous lifestyle is dwindling more and more each day. This is because, contrary to what the music videos say, this is such an empty lifestyle where night after night seemingly reasonable people are forced to lower their standards all in the name of temporary material gratification. But I digress…………………………

Why is it that if I man sleeps with many women he is a stud but when women do the same they are labelled whores?Isn’t that just a male double-standard meant to keep women down?

Not really. It can’t be a double standard because men and women are so different that to suggest that you can judge their sex lives by the same standard would be the same as trying to compare a praying mantis with a meercat. Allow me to explain…….

Men and Women Enter Into Relationships in Different Ways

More and more women chase the men they want. Then there are those men who either because they are good looking or are perceived to be of such high value that they are always chased. However, more often than not, it is the man who has to do the initial chasing. He is responsible for ensuring the woman is comfortable. He is responsible for seducing her, buying her drinks, usually handles most of the expenses on the way to the sexual act.

Unless you are good looking, bedding women is a skill. Like woodwork or chess, it is something that a man has to learn and hone. That’s why there are classes on the topic and why men will always shut up and listen when a player is talking. The man has to know how to take a woman from a stranger to a lover.

Women on the other hand, usually only have to worry about looking as good as they can. They don’t have to worry about learning how to be funny or good conversationalists ( be honest, aren’t almost all the good conversationalists or funny people you know, men). They don’t have to worry about going out there and possibly being rejected over and over and over and over and over and over and over before they even get a single kiss.

The woman as soon as she steps in the club, unless she looks like the backside of something fierce or unless she is so beautiful that people are scared to approach, will get hit on. Maybe once, twice, three times or tens of times, but she will get hit on. For her, it’s just choosing from among the available options. Now granted, a lot of the time, the options are terribe, but if physical gratification is all she is after, she is guaranteed to get it.

Men Have to Work; Women Have to Choose!

In short, that’s why it’s not a double standard. When the man says that without the blessing of good looks, he has managed to bed 50 women, he is saying he is skilled and has worked hard. When a woman says she has slept with 50 men, usually all that means, is she just went with the flow and allowed the man to have his way.

So until the day that women are doing as much chasing as the man, and men have to swat women away with a stick, as is the case for a lot of women right now, I think that you can’t really call it a double standard.

Does this mean I think we should call women, “Whores!” No! In fact, I think you have to be pretty insecure to result to calling a woman a whore or a slut. So, I am not recommending that fellas go out there and call all you promiscous women (and I know in the diaspora there are plenty of you) whores. But don’t expect the Academy Award for valor either.

I am starting to feel a little guilty about writing so many light relationship-esque articles so let me know if you approve or disapprove of such articles because when it’s all said and done, I write to serve as best I can.

Until then I will leave you with a couple of snippets that describe the typical night in the club from a male and a female perspective.

Be blessed and bless others,

Mwangi

A Woman’s Typical Night in the Club

Now should I be wrong, feel free to correct me:

Home: Preparation

I so didn’t want to go to the club. The last time I went to this club there was this guy who just kept following me around, all night long. Just because he bought me drinks he thought he could become my new tail. But, oh my God, last week, though we only spoke for about five minutes, I met him!!

He is soooo cute and so smooth and he was nice and he was gentle. Anyway, when I heard he was going to be there, you know I had to go. Plus, I got this new Versace bag…..wait till those b***es who were talking behind my back get a load of that bag. That should shut them up. Got to make the bra a push-up. Gotta make sure he sees all the assetts.

Club

Time to reconvene the MASC. Why are all these dudes all on us? Don’t they know, they can’t handle this. Let’s go dance girls!Weeeee! Yaaay! Boy doesn’t my butt just look tight in these jeans. Hell no boy, I aint dancing with you……etc etc etc

There he is. Oh good, I can actually dance to this song. Watch me boy! Please come dance with me! Please come dance with me! Please come dance with me! Shoot. The brother isn’t coming. Cecilia, go there and make up some excuse for him to come here. No, I am not going there to get him. Please, just tell him I need help finding my contacts or something. Go, do it……….

The Morning After

We just talked and laughed. He took me for coffee after. He was so funny and sweet and warm.Then, like out of nowhere, he kissed me. It was like the planets aligned and everything just fell into place. His hands were so strong and he ran his fingers through my hair and then…..well, it just happened.

I mean, it just happened. I never meant for it to happen. But it felt so right, and I think I might really like this one.

A Man’s Typical Night in the Club

Preparation

Dude! Please give me the keys to the car! Dude, c’mon. You know I can’t pull up with my raggedy old car. You know when I pull up in the Merc, all the women’s knees will touch their elbows. Please! Thanks man! Could I have the Timberlands, and the jewelry and the keys to the house, just for tonight………..

At the Club

Haiya! That one has refused my vibes! This one has refused! Hold up…..”You want me to follow you! She lost her contacts!” Alright. Cool, I guess I may as well try this one.

The Flirtation Continues

This one really likes me! Hmm, I was beginning to think I was losing it. Alright, kul, at least now I know I can take this one home. But I gotta focus, stay on point!

“You’re eyes are so beautiful!”

Next Day: The Briefing

“So you know, I slowed it down, took her to my usual spot. Talked about the moon and the stars and all of that. When I saw she had chilled I kissed her……now dude, I have to admit, your strategy works man. Kiss, pull back, kiss, pull back and do it when they least expect. It drives them nuts. She practically begged me to take her to funky town! Deal done! I made her explode three times so you know she is calling me…..speak of the devil. There she is calling me now! Hard work calls gentlemen!”

Fulfillment shall not be found in the middle of a one night stand’s bed!

Hey,

This crush continues! Should any of my posts ever be of no value to you, let me know and I will move on……the topics are many, it is the time that is little. It is the time that is little. Sunny from Project Sunshine wrote to me and asked me to write a letter where I basically gave men tips on how to treat women. I feel that to some extent I have already covered that with the article I wrote on the negative effects of hip hop and will probably extend that a bit more in the near future.

However, today I thought I would write a letter to the ladies. Why?

In the Western World Males are Bashed

This hasn’t hit at Africans as hard as say Caucasians but to a large extent, males in Western popular culture are put down. In the mass media, there are three overarching stereotypes of the modern day male:

1)Sex starved idiots who are basically at the beck and call of the women

2) Calm, collected ladies men who spread their seed wholesale up and down the world hemispheres with no regard for other people’s feelings.

3) The passive personality-less new age sensitive male who women should adore because he obsesses over them so much and can recite poetry while Donnell Jones croons in the background.

Now, as with all mass media stereotypes there is a lot left from the story. So for the time being dispel these stereotypes as I give you seven observations meant to help you understand and treat the men in your lives a little better.

1) Men Will Do More to Sleep with You or Get You to Fall in Love With Him than You Will Ever Know

Ladies, even in your wildest imaginations, you cannot even begin to dream about the amount of hard work that a man puts into getting you to fall in love or in lust with him. From the moment his heart flutters and/or the sex drive get firing, most males become calculating machines capable of processing gigabytes of information every second regarding women and sexuality.

A lot of men don’t really care about cars. But they care about looking good in them to impress you. A lot of men are not really that funny. But a lot of them will force themselves to learn how to be funny so they can laugh their way into you. Most of us men are blessed with no clue how to talk to you women. There are actually classes dedicated to teaching men how to approach and seduce and romance women. Hell, even I attended one (Fascinating is the word people, just fascinating).

If you are not sure who that man is acting up to impress, it’s you!!

2) Sex Drive

This one breaks my heart. Men are admonished in Western society as though we are bad dogs (bad pun, my bad) for having sex drives. Ladies the way a man knows if he’s healthy is if he wakes up every morning at the crack of dawn with a firm bundle of joy where his groin once was, ready to face the day.

If you want to begin to fathom the sex drive, imagine a tobacco addiction or an alcohol addiction. Now multiply that by 10. Make it an inborn innate, genetic part of your being. Suddenly activate it at around the age of 13 with no manual on how it runs. Then surround this individual with sexually titillating images and videos every single day of his existence. Understand ladies, the fact that we can even pull blood away from there long enough to actually know that you have a personality is really an act of self discipline.

The sex drive is there and it’s part of what makes a man, a man. Honour and respect that. Don’t admonish that which you do not understand.

3) Sex Appeal Comes First, Personality Second

This one will be a tough pill to swallow and so I will express it in a story I once heard which made me think, “You know I thought I was a new-age sensitive guy, I guess I might not be.”

First of all, ladies take a moment and think of the first person or one of the first people you ever fell head over heels for -whether or not it was returned-when you were in your youth. Hold that image in your head.

Now fellas, think of a woman who just made your heart perspirate and your sweat glands palpitate (??). Hold that image in your head.

Now ladies, I am willing to bet that for 95% of you the image you had in your head was of a man who was a leader at something. Either he was the wittiest, funniest, smoothest, best looking, fastest, strongest, most charismatic or he just had influence over a significant number of significant people. If not, he had promise of becoming someone great and significant in future. True or false? Chances are you didn’t think of that timid, shy young man who had no influence over anyone or anything but took the time to write you an earnest heart felt love note about how you were the rhythm of his heart.

Fellas. One question: This chick you had a crush on. Did you know what her goals or missions or ambitions were? Did you care about her leadership positions when you feel madly for her? For most of us, we see the woman and her physical attributes first. Second, we whiff the air to see if it smells of sex appeal or an alluring charisma or grace or femininity or maybe a certain je ne sais quoi that just makes her hot. The personality is really just icing on the cake.

Now I am an exception to this in that I fall madly for personality over the sex appeal but 9 times out of ten we don’t really need a smart woman. We don’t talk that much. We don’t need a witty woman. The house is for quiet time.

4) We are Bad Because You Taught Us to Be Bad

Bad boys are bad boys either because they were taught how to be bad by bad girls or because it was the only way they knew to get good girls. In the course of my life I have had the good fortune of going from a place of being a complete social outcast incapable of speaking to anyone of any sex to going to a place where I was an obnoxious loud son of a shut-your-mouth. You know what, I got more play when I was loud and obnoxious. Hell, the louder I am the more play I get.

As I write this, I have retreated into a quiet, relatively introspective fella and trust me, I get very little play from this. Behind every great player, there is that first woman that taught him how to play. Chose wisely which games to teach us.

5) We are Simple

As long as the basic physical needs are satisfied, a lot of men are good. I know that society would have you believe that a lot of us are more complex than that but not really. A lot of men don’t express their emotions because there isn’t much to express. Even the most emotionally complex males I know pale in comparison to the simplest women.

A nice meal, a girl whose happy, a home and to matter in the world. Give most of us that and we’re good to go.

6) Aggression is in Our Nature

We are aggressive and competitive, that’s just how we roll. If you watch small boys playing, even before they know who the Rock (if you have ever seen a better live performer, you are lying) is they know what wrestling is. That doesn’t end.

To try and ’soften’ a lot of men is to change who they are at the core of their being. We are excited when we take on a challenge and win, even at the expense of our fellow man.

Next time you watch rugby, nod your head and say to yourself: ” So that’s what a man looks like in his natural habitat.”

7) We Compete Over Who Can Please Girls the Most

I made her scream in ecstacy three times men. Psssshhhh, that’s nothing major. I had her screaming the names of all the Indian Gods. You guys that’s nothing: I made her scream out my full name and driver’s license number, the number plate of my first car and the names of all the twelve disciples.

Leading on from the competitive nature, we compete over every aspect of relationships. Who is the smoothest? Who can get the prettiest girl? Who can make the prettiest girl happy? Who is the most skilled in the sack?

If you want to make a man’s day, start a rumor that he is the smoothest brother with the sexual prowess of a pack of wildebeests. He won’t forget you in a hurry.

This was yet another article that I have written in the flow. Uncensored from the deepest crevice of my love afflicted brain to your eyes. Should you feel you have something to say, leave a comment below or contact me and let me know what’s on your mind.

Now go home and make some love.

Be blessed and bless others,

Mwangi