Before listening to this make sure you listen to:

a) Part one

b) Part two of the interview

The Podcast

Things Discussed

1) Skills needed to succeed at the various stages of relationships: courtship, marriage

2) Sex (Need I really say more? )

3) Interesting facts about people who live together and how that influences the success of their marriage.

4) How is success measured in relationships when Julia counsels them?

5) What “works” in terms of African immigrant relationships?

6) The changing sex roles for African immigrant couples.

7) Money (Again, need I say more?)
How to raise kids abroad?

Websites

1) Julia’s website

2) Julia’s blog

3) Article on raising kids abroad

4) An African immigrant who raised kids abroad and her insights

5) My sisters who I mentioned in the interview (My most popular podcast to date BYYYYY FAAAARRRR)

Make sure you listen to Part One of this interview with Julia Sanna first.

The Podcast

Ideas Discussed

1) The importance of “relationship role models” especially when one is younger

2) Digressions to discuss African American relationships

3) The African “man is boss” mentality in the 21st century: How do women respond to male authority today?

4) The educated African woman in the West vs traditional African values

5) The changing roles between men and women

6) The flexible role of authority in marriage

7) Why on Earth should people get married if the rules and roles are so arbitrary and negotiable?
The role of children in marriage

9) How to ensure that people have a great relationship after they have kids

10) Friends and mentors in relationships

Websites

1) Julia’s website

2) Julia’s blog

If there are two topics the Internet, including the African immigrant web, are obsessed with its relationships and sex. HUGE proportions of this blog’s traffic, controversy, friends and enemies come from relationship and sex-related articles.

With that in mind, I thought I would do the most responsible thing I could. Get someone who is an expert on relationships, especially as pertains to African immigrants and find out what she knows, what her research has uncovered and what practical tips we can take away that we can apply to make our intimate relationships magical.

The  picture is gorgeous aint it

And so I called upon the years of expertise built by one Julia Sanna

This Interview Is Long, So…….

Me and Julia spoke for an hour and thirty minutes and so I have divided this interview into three parts that will come out over the next fortnight.

I hope this interview will contribute towards the end of our creating, and I quote, an African Immigrant Relationship Manifesto where we basically look at all the unique aspects of our identity and leverage them to make our relationships absolutely outstanding.

Enjoy!

One Last Thing

To receive the latest podcasts, and all the previous podcasts, for free direct to your computer and mp3 player subscribe to the Displaced African podcast. Instructions on how to do this are in the short video below:

The Podcast

Issues Discussed

1) Who, Julia Sanna is and why you should pay attention?

2) How has immigrant life changed in the US over the 14 years she’s been abroad?

3) Why is her focus on counseling couples in their early years of marriage?

4) The absolute importance of the decisions that people make in those early years of marriage

5) What defines a successful relationship?

6) Importance of negotiables vs non-negotiables

7) Commonalities, shared values and their role in relationships
We go in depth into negotiables vs non-negotiables

9) The importance of the man’s earning power to women

10) The definition of love

11) How the feeling of love and the choice to love intermingle

12) What men want vs what women want

13) The search for one’s parents in their partners??!!

14)

Websites Mentioned

1) Sigmund Freud’s ideas

2) Julia’s website

3) Julia’s blog

Here’s a Little Something to Inspire You as You Begin Your Week

This story is probably 3+ years old now, but like all good stories it is still super fresh in my mind.

I know quite a few folks who read this blog are from Melbourne and probably know this story. If you do:

Ssshhhh, don’t tell who it’s about

I do hope some day to get the parties involved in this story on the phone so they can tell the story first hand. But I will do my best to tell the story as I remember it.

How You Can Use this Story

You can either use this story as a metaphor for anything you desire or want to achieve in this life or just use it as an example of how to get a member of the opposite sex to “stop being an idiot and come to you”

Engagement Party

And so it was an engagement party like any other, with food, drinks and fun buzzing up and down the room in excess.

It came time for the happy couple to stand up and tell the story of how they met.

And so, the man stood.

Brief Bio

Now this man is many things: tall, intelligent, has a great heart, but he is not a good looking cat.

By comparison the woman is short (I am talking almost Eva Longoria – Tony Parket short) and very very beautiful, so clearly it wasn’t merely that the woman looked at the man and thought he was:

“Tall, dark and handsome.”

In fact as she put it:

“I looked at him and really liked his height, but aside from that, I thought, “Your dreaming!”"

And So They Met

He had been commissioned together with a friend to help her move.

He came, he saw and he was immediately smitten and taken with her.

At the time she was going out with someone from the land of Caucasia and from what I heard she was quite happy with what was going on.

Smitten and excited from head to toe he made a choice:

I have to have her.

No Elegance, Just Persistence

This began what is probably the longest telemarketing campaign in human history. As the woman put it (I paraphrase):

“He used to call me every day. He was soooo annoying!”

But he just kept calling and calling and calling and persisting with conversation, invitations to dates and invitations to swim in the miasma of his passion for her

Thank God They Were Part of the Same Immigrant Community

Because they were invited to and some times attended the same parties.

The Brilliant Plan

During one of these parties, the heroine of the tale decided she would craft a master plan to get this guy off her back once and for all.

1) Accept his advances for the evening

2) Kiss him

3) Viciously reject him afterward thereby destroying his spirit and desire to chase.

Now any man who has been at this “chasing women” game for a while will tell you:

That’s a brilliant plan…….for me!

What the Heresay Accounts Say Happened

As he often did, he persisted and persisted and persisted. He chased her until eventually he found his window of opportunity and used it to lock lips with her.

Kiss! Kiss! Bang !

She was confused, smitten and part of a Mills and Boon novel all at the same time. She got so confused she probably left that kiss in the middle of the night to go feed ducks in the local pond. She was Rapunzel, she was Gabrielle Union to his Morris Chestnut. She fell in love.

From then on……

It was cruise control really all the way to the engagement party. And now, 3 years later, you should see their daughter, she is absolutely gorgeous.

What I Derived from this Story

Now, many of you will probably know this, but many a time, and many a situation, I am a huge coward.

Though it may seem otherwise, I always take very controlled risks and this story reminds me, though I sometimes forget the power of making a decision and going after it.

You don’t necessarily have to take the smoothest or the most elegant route. You just have to decide and go after what it is that has been placed in your heart.

As I said, this story can be used either as a metaphor for something you want in this life – fame, material success and wealth, fame, popularity.

Or maybe just maybe there is that mocha-eyed person who you need to begin chasing with the quickness

Either way Godspeed and I hope I inspired you.

Have a gr888888888 week,

Mwangi

To receive even more inspirational and useful stories like this in future subscribe to the website via either RSS or email

If you get nothing else from this article watch this vid

I continue answering your questions. Today, it’s all about Kelly. So shall we begin:

kelly asks:

When do you plan to come back to kenya?
What will you come back to do, like specifically?

My Answer:

For the last 5 years, any time I was asked that question, my answer was always an unequivocal yes. I would return as soon as I was able to support myself materially to either:

a) Work on deep social change at the grassroots level or;

b) Make a positive contribution to people’s lives at the grassroots level.

Whereas one would think that starting this blog would have given me even more motivation to stick to that mission, it’s actually had the positive effect. Allow me to explain:

There is So Much to Learn

I LOVE LEARNING! If you want to bribe me, buy me tickets to a Jay Abraham seminar or Anthony Robbins seminar or tell me about the equivalent of the Alfred Deakin lectures and I will be there. Over the course of this blog, I have come to see so much that I want to learn about so many areas, relationships, health, business, music and even grassroots acitivism. Now contrast that with the fact that:

We are a Very Negative People

I hope that since you are a reader of this my most personal work, I can be very honest with you, as I always am. We, African people, to a large extent are a bunch of whiners and crybabies and if not very negative people who like to hide behind any form of material or intellectual success we have.

Now, as I have fallen deeper and deeper in love with all that I can learn in this world, I have reflected more and more and more on how much negativity I would have to put up with working back home. BUT I did make a committment to myself that I would do it and it is of course the noble thing.

So my answer is Yes, I do intend on going home eventually. Where I am currently confused is how and to do what but its definitely to work on improving the state of the country.

Some of the Ideas I Have Had

Long time readers of this blog would probably know about my plans to work in media, I dreamed for the longest time of owning African media and using it to put out positve messages. I have also thought about:

a) Buying my own constituency, as one would a business, optimizing it and then using it and presenting as a model for how to develop.

b) Going back home as a speaker to young people who are about to immigrate

c) Give talks on controlling sexuality and sublimation so as to eliminate rape as a social ill in our society.

d) Start up a church for young African men.

With many other ideas mixed in there. At the moment I am just focussing on optimizing this blog and trying to get to the point where I can support myself online. The ideas are there, not only to go back home, I’ll decide once I achieve my goal of supporting myself what to do next.

kelly asks:

You seem to like marriage a lot, at what age do you envision you will be married?

My Answer:

When I am sure I will be a good partner and husband. In short the most important part of this is how exactly I will ensure that I won’t cheat on my wife and will have the mental strength to see my commitment through. I have a number of ideas as to how to deal with this, and I intend on investigating this a lot over the coming years, but I have no date set yet.

Something Sad I Realized

Again, I speak to you as I would among friends. I like a lot of people, male or female, I lust after many women but I am mentally drawn to very few. You know that stereotype of someone who turns you on mentally……doesn’t happen to me. Now it could be that I hang around the wrong folks or I have very weird standards but either way…..just something weird I realized this week that I also must deal with.

kelly asks:

When you say men don’t feel love like women do, what exactly do you mean?

My Answer:

I must put a caveat on this and say that I definitely need to investigate this area much much deeper. Me thinks the best person to give advice in this area that I know is Julia, after all, she does this for a living.

Usually when I say that, usually half-jokingly, I am referring to the fact that I have known or heard of very few men who need romance or any complex gestures from their partners to be happy, though those would be nice.

A lot of the people I know and have heard of, as long as the woman is happy, they are fed, they have respect as a man and the sex life is good and the man is fine. No need for mink coats or dinners or weird get aways and cruises, all those are for the woman: food+sex+peace+respect= Marital bliss but as I said, Julia is the best person to talk about this one.

kelly asks:

What would make a man stay in a relationship that’s no good for him, when it’s so easy for guys to walk away?

My Answer:

There is a theory that all human behaviour is motivated by two things, a pleasurable or desired feeling/emotion or the need to get away from a negative feeling/state/emotion.

Now if we view life through that lens, then there appear many reasons that someone would stay in the situation that you have just described. I will list a few below:

Positve

1) They made a commitment and want to see it through.

2) They view any temporary moments of discomfort as a part of the game.

3) They have a solid friendship with their partner.

4) They need their partner for some emotional reason or another and their partner needs them.

5) For the children.

6) For harmony

7) The security of the institution

Negative

1) They don’t want to be alone.

2) They don’t want to stop being cooked for, picked up after and taken care of.

3) They don’t want to lose access to sex

4) They don’t want to lose their peer group

5) They don’t want to lose their trophy partner

6) They don’t want to feel rejected

7) The process of leaving would be too uncomfortable.

In short, I don’t know, the reasons are many. It depends on the person, what they are getting out of the relationship and what they are scared they will lose if they leave the relationship. Yet again, let me recommend, Julia…..she has a Masters in it too

The Newsletter

If you are a fan of this article or blog, I encourage you to join and give me feedback ( ) on my Immigrant Survivor Guide Newsletter by putting your first name and email address in the boxes below.

In newsletter, once a week I send you short emails that give you actionable tips that you can immediately apply to make your immigrant experience better including tips on making friends, finding employment, how to stay healthy on the run, things to prepare before you immigrate, staying in touch with people from your home country etc etc.

So please join, and give me feedback, by putting your first name and email in the boxes below:

Have a great day or night,
Mwangi

Pretty provocative title huh?

This article was provoked by a discussion I started having over at Kelly’s blog, (you know I think its the blog I have linked to the most times unless I’m mistaken), anyway, I’ll quote the little discussion we had below:

Kelly said:
Do you believe in divorce? – Yap!
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce? – If any relationship is not working out, I don’t believe in struggling to make it work. Life is too short to spend it unhappy, fighting and stuff.

Mwangi said:
Do you believe in divorce?-Absolutely, totally, unequivocally not: Why make such a commitment and make some trust you when at the back of your mind you know you can break that trust. The fact that it exists, saddens me.
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce?-Nope, she’d have to kill me. Even if she tried to (kill) me with a butcher knife,she is my wife and my gift from God, I have to take care of her until death parts us.

Kelly said:
@Mwangi: …….can I just say I love the way you’re passionate about the whole ’till death do us part thing’? For me, thats one part of the vows that I don’t plan to say IF I’m getting married cos I know, unfaithfulness, and several other things can do us part.

Mwangi said:
Btw (by the way for the unitiated), though I know this will severely limit my options once the time comes,if a woman believes in divorce she immediately puts herself in the buddy with benefits corner and no further than that. Ai, no, personality and compatibility matters a whole lot less to me than the knowledge that me and her will be together, forever through anything…..


Kelly said:
It’s kinda sweet but also scary to know the man you’re marrying would rather die than divorce you…

Mwangi said:
It’s a fear I am willing to live with, this is a lifelong thing…….

Val said:
Wah…mwangi..ati you’d rather death than divorce?? As PinkMM says thats tres scary..I believe in struggling to make it work..but only if both of you are committed to it..otherwise one sided struggles don’t do it for me

Mwangi said:
@Val: When one is young and the relationship is casual, keep it as casual as can be, no biggie, no problems there. But what I am not a fan of is people who lie to themselves and each other (telling someone you have known for a month or so I will love you forever, unless you bore me, do something wrong, make me feel worthless enough times, something better comes along etc etc) But if you look someone in the eye, and before God and a preacher make a committment to do something for life, you shouldn’t say something like that if you don’t mean it. If you do that, you’re lying to your spouse, the preacher, God, all the guests and most of all yourself. I don’t really want to be the type of person who has to lie to myself. Yeah, it’s not really as grave as it sounds, but when I decide to committ I intend on taking it very seriously. That’s why I was saying I know my way of thinking will severley limit my options: not enough people really believe in those marriage vows really, there is always a caveat (if I become unhappy, infidelity, my career, money problems, if it’s not working out etc etc) Hmm there might be a post in this somewhere we’ll see.

Mwangi, You’re Young Why are You Thinking About Such “Heavy Stuff” Now?

Well, the reason is because I deeply believe in the principle:

Begin with the end in mind

In spite of everything that I may or may not do while I am young, dumb and full of………, I must forever remember that when it’s all said and done I will eventually be blessed with the gift of a wife ( or wives ) and children who I will be responsible for every single day until I die.

So I think it’s important, from even the age of 15 or whenever it is that you gain some form of self-awareness for you to start thinking about the type of husband, father, friend, person you want to be. What you focus on is what you become? So please make sure you are in control of that.

Till Death Do Us Part!……..Unless……….

As you can see from the comments above, the mentality I am moving forward with and cultivating as I go along is that when I get married it’s till death do us part, full stop, exclamation.

In my mind I put no caveats on that statement: even if she tries to kill me I’ll stay with her, even if she bores me or doesn’t fulfill me emotionally I will stay, even if she tries to steal from me or cheats on me, I’ll stay.

Easier Said Than Done

Of course this is much easier said than done, but one thing that this life is teaching me is that in order to succeed in any field of endevour, you determine the desired outcome first and work on creating that rather than the “let’s wait and see what happens” mentality that a lot of folks chose to live by.

So Why Do You Think Like That?

I know a lot of you probably grew up in families where there were one or two people who were just black sheep through and through and through. Self destructive to the max and always bringing down the people around them.

I was so touched when I looked around at the times when this situation took place and realized that the family always stuck by the black sheep. That type of loyalty even during the hard times really inspired me.

In my first few years here, when I was an angry kid just trying to find my way, there were teachers in high school ( Mrs. S and Mr. K ) and relatives of mine who always tried to talk to me and guide me and mentor me and all through that period, my family was there. I never forgot that.

None of these people HAD to do anything. They could have thrown me out when I wasn’t-and still am not-the best person to be around. They could have ignored me or simply dismissed me as crazy, not always a bad thing, but they didn’t. They stuck by me.

I Want to Be…

I want to become the type of man who does that for my family. I never ever want my child or spouse to be in question as to whether or not I’ll leave or betray them. I never want to doubt myself or my ability to live up to the principles and standards that I set.

I view my spouse(s) and whatever kid(s) I may have as divine gifts from God that I am responsible for until the day that I day and I want to live that viewpoint through my actions.

Let’s Talk About Love

Now as many of you know, I am not at all a fan of building a life long marriage upon feelings of infatuation (what other folks called love) and that I don’t tend to view love the same way that other individuals look at it.

But will I be looking to get married to someone who infatuates me, of course. Will I want an absolutely gorgeous, curvaceous, bottom-heavy (African men know what I’m talking about) woman who I can converse with and who I feel I can bring something to? Of course!

BUT, I do not want our union to be based upon how much she infatuates me today. Sure I want to cultivate and work on passion so that I go nuts for her (I am easily entertained and excited so this shouldn’t be too hard) for the rest of our lives. But if she doesn’t drive me nuts, I don’t want to be the type of man who leaves in pursuit of the next thrill.

I don’t want my child to question their own worth because daddy can’t somehow find a way to navigate around the fact or solve the problem of the sexual spark being gone.

In Conclusion

And so I’m just letting you know, and in fact if this blog will still be around then, I expect you guys to hold me accountable, that when I go before a church, God, my family, friends and that minister, look a woman in the eye and tell her:

I will be there in sickness and in health. The good times and the bad. From this day forward you and whatever children we may have are my divine gifts that I will serve, love, protect and live for, TILL DEATH DO US PART!

You best believe I mean that. Of course it’s kind of scary, this is a lifelong journey with no guarantees: I would be scared for you if that didn’t make you a little nervous.

Be blessed and bless others,

Mwangi

I just completed my first ever, podcast interview and it was with speaker and author, Ekene Agabu. I first discovered Ekene via the blog, Nigerian Curiosity where he was interviewed on his opinions regarding polygamy in Nigeria.

He is a professional speaker in Baltimore, where for between 2 – 4,000 he speaks on responsible sexuality. From what I could gather, he is going to be releasing some mainstream pieces of writing in the very near future.

First-Time-Interviewer-Jitters

I was quite nervous, as you can tell in the recording, but Ekene was a fantastic guest because he was very short, sweet and to the point. Very intelligent, purpose driven guy.

The Interview

Some of the things discussed:

1) Who he is and what he does including his background and how he became a speaker.

2) His journey to speaking about sexuality.

3) How would society look if he achieved his objective?

4) What is the purpose of family?

5) Powerful changes in mindset and thinking when it comes to sexuality.

6) Message to boys on the African continent and much more…….

The Main Thing I Took Away from the Interview was….

The importance of knowing your desired outcome. Before engaging in anything, ask yourself,

Why am I doing this? What am I hoping to achieve or get out of it?

And then ask yourself:

Will doing this get me to where I want to be?

It was definitely interesting the way Ekene advised people, before succumbing to the overwhelming urges to simply ask themselves:

Will I desire the consequences of what I am about to do?

Sex Transmutation

In my humble opinion, as a society, we still have not delved deeply enough into understanding, investigating and practicing the art of redirecting sexual energy . It is briefly touched on everywhere from Think and Grow Rich,this interview, to your local church but I think we definitely need to put together How tos and step by step guides for men all over to understand how to harness this powerful force.

Displaced African Podcast is Now on Itunes

If you want to receive the latest podcasts, from the Displaced African, then you can subscribe to recieve podcasts via Itunes (download Itunes if you don’t have it, it’s a great free software) by clicking on the link below:

Subscribe to the Displaced African Podcast

or

By going to the Itunes store and searching for “Displaced African”

If you need help figuring any of this out just leave a comment or contact me.

Hope you all enjoy the podcast and thanks to Ekene,

Mwangi

PS: Lest we forget that tragedies often bring out the best in humanity too

It will take me some time to get to my point so bear with me. For quite a few years now I have been fascinated with understanding relationships. Even though I am still in the stage of life where I am pretty much a wholesale seed distributor, I have always loved to reflect on, study and understand relationships that work and work for a really long time.

Long Distances and Mashada

So, anyway, one day I ended up on the popular message board Mashada quite distraught. There had been two long distance relationships I had looked at and thought to myself:

They will go the distance those ones. They’ll make it.

Typically when people in their 20s show up in the diaspora and say they are in a long distance relationship, I think of it at the very least as a joke and at the very most as an exchange of physical pleasure and flattery every so often, though when apart from one another, everyone and everything is fair game.

But not these two. Allow me to explain.

Relationship Number 1

They were both in their late 20s. They had both long since put the fun and nonsense that is high school and University behind them (point one for them). She was abroad pursuing her Masters and he was back in Africa holding down the fort.

When she spoke of him one could see that they clearly had a deep friendship and their relationship wasn’t just based on some superficial attraction (point two for them). She is a woman and she is abroad, and so of course African men jumped on her like chaff on Velcro. For a good year or so, the two men who had put forth the most consistent effort were consistently being shut down in spite of their clear charm (point three for them).

A Small Crack in the Ceiling

But alas one of them one evening managed to get her in a room for a game of tonsil hockey which was unfortunately interrupted midway. As soon as the interruption took place, the woman sped out of that room and we all thought that was all she wrote.

Six Months Later

Fast forward six months later and both of these men got what they wanted from her in spite of the fact that she had a chance to go back to Africa and visit her guy.

Relationship Number 2

She was quite young, still of college age, but she was the quintessential woman of faith (point number one for them). She admitted that once someone had her, he had her for life (point two for them) and that was pretty much her intention with her significant other.

No one has come between them, but the fellow who is also pretty young (point one against) has ended the relationship by trying to let her down easy. I won’t go into too much detail, all I will say is it took me by quite some surprise just how quickly it ended.

Right Back to Mashada

So anyway I end up on Mashada and I decide to ask folk:

Do these long distance relationships ever work?

Now of course a lot of you already know the answer that 9 times out of 10, especially when we are talking about people in their 20s they don’t work BUT out of that discussion something came up that I thought was definitely worth discussing.

Are Family and Community the Cornerstones of Succesful and Long Lasting Relationships?

You’ve all watched the TV shows where someone takes their partner to their parent’s home and the parents totally disapprove of him or her. In a moment of defiance, the person will normally grab their partner tight, leer at his or her parents and say something to the extent of:

Well she’s not marrying you. She’s marrying me and I love her. So regardless of whether you approve of this marriage or support it, we’ll get married anyway.

And then they walk of hand in hand to face the world together: Just the two of them and their love.

Is that a Huge Mistake?

In Australia we have this tabloid type program that’s very popular called a Current Affair. Sometime ago they had a special on Indian arranged marriages where they were trying to explore why Indian marriages last so much longer than typical Western marriages that are basically like Russian roulette with a 50/50 chance.

One of the things that came out of that is someone said:

In an arranged marriage, one isn’t simply marrying a person, they are marrying their family (or clan or community).

That got me to thinking….weren’t traditional marriages exactly the same and didn’t they also have the ridiculously low divorce and run away rates?

Accountability and Committment

I am just speculating based on the limited information I have but I think what it ultimately boils down too is when you marry or form a relationship with someone’s family or community instead of just them you have made a committment and are accountable to a lot more people.

Compare this with the typical love relationship where one is usually not even answerable to their spouse but instead to their feelings. How can we possibly expect to build a long lasting relationship or commit to anything long term simply on the basis of how we feel when we are so damn capricious as human beings? (I have waited so long to use one of my favourite words, capricious)

When you marry a family you are answerable to a lot of people and this helps get you by when your feelings tell you that you don’t feel like going.

They Force You Back Together

When you decide you need distance from each other lest you kill each other, you retreat to a family/and or community which considers itself a part of your relationship and so will try to force the two of you together……….

Back to You

My mental exercise ends there. What do y’all think? Does marrying someone’s family and community make a difference? Is this a load of bollocks? Leave a comment and let me know.

Just trying to figure this whole thing out,

Mwangi

One of the first articles I ever wrote was Jungle Fever: the Relationships Between African Men and White Women. It’s not my proudest achievement, but if you type ‘mandingo fantasy’ in Google, I will be among the first few search results (and ironically, by using that term again in a post, I pretty much solidify my standing on page 1 of the term’s search results).

For that reason, that article get’s read every single day somewhere in the world. Since I am constantly going back to the article to moderate comments, I noticed that I promised to give my take on what happens when the Women of Chocolate meet the Men of Vanilla. So here we are.

Considering that I was not blessed with the ability to breastfeed and am a member of the group that pees standing up, the most I can do is give a very pedestrian take on the relationships that take place between African women and white men.

Aside from sex, the other reason it’s difficult for me to go into much depth on the matter is because of the top-secret-wouldn’t-share-it-if-you-tortured-me-inquisition-style approach that a lot of women take to their love, and especially sex, lives. However, a few cracks have shown through and I encourage you to leave some comments and fill in any gaps.

White Men are in Demand
If you are a Caucasian male….welcome! You are going to enjoy (or not….just read on) the next couple of paragraphs. Significant numbers of African women across all age groups want to take a sip from the masculine tree of Caucasia (wow, isn’t that poetic? I like that, and you can use it for any race ). Now the reasons vary across age groups and socio-economic lines a little like this:

Poor Young African Women
This one especially applies to a sub-section of young women who tend to be very rural, but have had enough of Western influence to believe they have a hang of the Westernized culture (much to the amusement of some of us pretentious middle and upper class folk). They tend to work as hairdressers or prostitutes. These women want Caucasian males for money and the benefits that money will bring them. They are poor. They don’t have nice things. They want the money and the nice things.
They are also motivated by something else that I will discuss a little further on, but for now let’s move to…..

Middle and Upper Class African Women
Some of these women are motivated by money, but it doesn’t play the huge factor it does with the poor African women. These women in addition tend to be motivated by three things.
The first is a simple desire for adventure and exploration. The same thing happens to African males when they land overseas happens to our African sistaz: they want to taste and experience everything in the shop.
The second one I thought was a joke, but once I heard it a couple of times, realized that people really believe it. That saddened me. Some of them go for Caucasian males either because they love Caucasian skin and/or want to have beautiful babies. Love for Caucasian skin, no problem, there are some pretty fascinating things about the skin that amaze me, like how the skin gets red when you apply pressure then loses the colour when you ease on the pressure.

However, because you want beautiful babies?! Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the subtext of that statement that half-black, half-white kids are superior somehow to a typical black child. With all the self-esteem issues we already have as a race, do we need this one too?!

Now, granted, half-black, half-white babies do tend to be pretty good looking – Shemar Moore, Barrack Obama, Lenny Kravitz, Jasmine Guy and Halle Berry just to name a few – but seriously!

In this day and age shouldn’t we be working on sorting out our inadequacies and insecurities as a race rather than making partner selection on the basis of something so superficial. AND NEVER FORGET, standards of beauty are taught. Shouldn’t we want to bring kids into the world who won’t look at other black people and think of them as hideous. But I digress…….
Reason number three, which is the same reason the poor African women traverse into the Vanilla milkshake aisle, is discussed below

Mature African Women
After the childishness and the silliness of youth (though a huge number of African women skip this stage all together) you are ready to settle down and build a life. Many African women at this stage are intelligent, hard working and have some form of material achievement. So when they look out across the globe at their prospects, they select the Caucasian male for a reason I know a lot of brothers won’t like:

They Treat Women Better
Feminism hit the West hard! In fact my two cents on it is that in this day and age, as far as relationships are concerned, the power is imbalanced heavily in favour of women.

Men have been taught that women are divine creatures that should be pampered, wined, dined and consulted when making any major decisions.
Of course this isn’t universal, there have been some horror stories of abuse of all sorts, but enough men do this that it counts. Even when the man is simply after some sex from an African girl, he’ll take her to dinner and treat her like an absolute gentleman on the way to the bedrooom.
On the flip side, majority of African men wouldn’t know romance if it was King Kong on top of the highest building. And that’s for a good reason: Most African men don’t care. A lot of us still believe very strongly in tradtional roles, chauvinism and sadly far too many still believe that wife beater isn’t just an article of clothing.
And so they decide I’d rather my Pink-hued prince than my Cocoa-brown wife beater any day.

My Feelings On It
I could lie and say that I am fully in support of this form of interracial mingling and it makes me feel good and fuzzy inside when I see a good African woman with a great white man. I always just feel sad. I feel like we all landed on the island to fight a war together and we have lost another soldier.

Call me corny but I honestly believe that all of us Africans here are part of the same body with the same history and struggles and when one part of the body is lost, it saddens me.
Don’t expect me to join any groups against interracial love, but if you are going to bring me your brand new White husband, give me some time. I am not used to it quite yet.

If you want to join me in further exploration of African immigrant relationships, make sure you stay subscribed via either RSS or email.

If You Want Love, then Make it,

Mwangi

PS: What is with Asian women and white men? You would think one is Michael Jackson and the other a sequin glove…..can anyone explain this to me?

Introduction

1) An Open Letter to Women on How to Treat Men

2) Sunny’s article on the Walk for Breast Cancer

Letter To Men

I am writing to let you know that there are some general things that you should know concerning women, especially women that you want to date. NB:I speak for myself and we( refers generally to things about women that I think are true) and any reference to any person living or deceased is purely coincidental)

Be Yourself

The funniest and wittiest are known by their consistency.You may be trying too hard, or too little. Either way,I, and many others would rather have you. Include some cute quirks. Some women are fascinated by multilingual people, that includes those who can speak Sheng slang and English, multiple vernaculars, Jamaican creole etc Others like dull as nails academic types, you may fit in that category. Others appreciate handy DIY people who can fix things and teach me how to change a tire. You have a unique personality, I do not want a created character.

On that note, here is something for the nice guys.

Nice Guys

We know who you are. We see some women in your life treating you like a doormat/ATM Machine/gold mine. I have the female sight, and when I met her I knew exactly why she wanted to be with you, especially if she thinks you are $$$ and wants a chunk of you. My friend,head for the hills, I do not care what her best quality is.That is one reason why ‘nice guys finish last’, and you can see how years of such treatment would jade and destroy even the most indomitable nice guy. How do you know whether your lady would do that to you?. Sorry, I can only ask you whether you are happy with your girl, be wary if you hear that too often from your female pals, your sis, your mom!

Flowers and Chocolate

I may love them so please, do be creative, BUT I may be allergic, I may associate them with sad times. I may think that is cheesy beyond! Tip: The more public the flower display the better. Chocolate – Makes me happy, makes me happy about you, if well timed.

My Gal Pals

If you are intimidated by my gal pals, I cannot change that. They get me through the times when the stuff hits the fan. What I can say is that they are part of my life. Do not try and adjudicate who stays and who goes, I knew them before you came along. Plus, if you can calm down about them, I may be more open to you and the boys hanging out, without me.

Chivalry

It so happens that we like to have doors opened for us when out with you. We know its soo last century but we like it, so if you could avoid entering everywhere chest first, that would be much appreciated.Since we are in the 21st century, dont hesitate to ask whether I mind having the door opened, as I will let you know exactly how I feel about the whole practice. Be sure that its the small things that
matter.

Paying For the Date

I really do not care for where the date will be, but can we decide early whether we are going dutch(split) or if you are paying, and where we are going, in case you take me somewhere in the $$$$ price range of Chez L’Ami and I can only afford a hotdog, and chips for five shillings(taken from Ndarlin P) – Do not embarrass me by pulling stunts when the check arrives, because that is tacky.

Karma

Lady Karma follows you. I am one of those pedestrians who will always try and cross the road, regardless of how many drivers (as we often do in Nairobi) because I have a feeling nobody would want to risk bad luck in love for life by hitting a pretty lady. Also and more seriously, do not even think that because you screwed me over and walked away, that someone will not do the same to your best friend, sister, beloved female role model or that the same fortune will not follow you.

Talking About You

When you meet me, and start telling me about how your high school rugby team won some tournament (think Prescott, schools etc) or that you invented the national recipe for your regional beer, look! look! notice how my eyes are glazing over. You are boring me. I do not want to hear a play by play account of your illustrious career as an actor, or why you think your take on politics/sports/cooking/travel is so fascinating. I want to have a dialogue (read two people exchanging ideas) therefore…a quick mention will be enough. If you are truly interested, shut up, really listen, then you will not ask me later questions like…

What Kind of Man Do I Like

Do not ask me what kind of man I like. Did someone give people this line along with the ‘You have been running through my mind all night,” variety. Seriously. If you put me on the spot, I may, or may not tell you what you want to hear. Use your common sense which I think is pretty common…

Common Sense

This common sense dictates that when you approach me, you know what you are doing, so do not play a fool. Do not act like I was seeing my own things, or hearing my own tired lines from you. Especially,do not quote movie lines, ‘ Its not me its you” “I need time to find myself” “Things have not been the same between us” because they are so cliche, and we know what movie that is, cause we watched it with you.Come on, really?

Prowess

If you need to brag about it, it is probably not true. Enough said. The world is filled with enough fiction, and there is no need to add your own.

Just Not That Into You

I have not called back, she does not want to text. She probably lost interest. Or, your incessant calling put her off, or the fact that you are stalking her by either following her home physically (by public transportation in the same vehicle) or online (MySpace, Facebook, etc). Either way step back. Like many women, I am also not into married, attached or otherwise engaged men, and if you fit into those categories and I have told you to back off, I really do mean it. I am not into another person’s meat, its poison!

There is a lot of conditional points in these lines. Women are wonderful, whole complete beings. Each one is delicate( to be handled with care, not ‘easily broken‘) and valuable ( has supporters who would willingly bash your face in if you tried a dumb stunt).

Over to you Mwangi.

By Sunny,

From Project Sunshine

For more posts perspectives on relationships from Africans living in the diaspora, subscribe for free updates via email or RSS