Before listening to this make sure you listen to:

a) Part one

b) Part two of the interview

The Podcast

Things Discussed

1) Skills needed to succeed at the various stages of relationships: courtship, marriage

2) Sex (Need I really say more? )

3) Interesting facts about people who live together and how that influences the success of their marriage.

4) How is success measured in relationships when Julia counsels them?

5) What “works” in terms of African immigrant relationships?

6) The changing sex roles for African immigrant couples.

7) Money (Again, need I say more?)
How to raise kids abroad?

Websites

1) Julia’s website

2) Julia’s blog

3) Article on raising kids abroad

4) An African immigrant who raised kids abroad and her insights

5) My sisters who I mentioned in the interview (My most popular podcast to date BYYYYY FAAAARRRR)

Make sure you listen to Part One of this interview with Julia Sanna first.

The Podcast

Ideas Discussed

1) The importance of “relationship role models” especially when one is younger

2) Digressions to discuss African American relationships

3) The African “man is boss” mentality in the 21st century: How do women respond to male authority today?

4) The educated African woman in the West vs traditional African values

5) The changing roles between men and women

6) The flexible role of authority in marriage

7) Why on Earth should people get married if the rules and roles are so arbitrary and negotiable?
The role of children in marriage

9) How to ensure that people have a great relationship after they have kids

10) Friends and mentors in relationships

Websites

1) Julia’s website

2) Julia’s blog

If there are two topics the Internet, including the African immigrant web, are obsessed with its relationships and sex. HUGE proportions of this blog’s traffic, controversy, friends and enemies come from relationship and sex-related articles.

With that in mind, I thought I would do the most responsible thing I could. Get someone who is an expert on relationships, especially as pertains to African immigrants and find out what she knows, what her research has uncovered and what practical tips we can take away that we can apply to make our intimate relationships magical.

The  picture is gorgeous aint it

And so I called upon the years of expertise built by one Julia Sanna

This Interview Is Long, So…….

Me and Julia spoke for an hour and thirty minutes and so I have divided this interview into three parts that will come out over the next fortnight.

I hope this interview will contribute towards the end of our creating, and I quote, an African Immigrant Relationship Manifesto where we basically look at all the unique aspects of our identity and leverage them to make our relationships absolutely outstanding.

Enjoy!

One Last Thing

To receive the latest podcasts, and all the previous podcasts, for free direct to your computer and mp3 player subscribe to the Displaced African podcast. Instructions on how to do this are in the short video below:

The Podcast

Issues Discussed

1) Who, Julia Sanna is and why you should pay attention?

2) How has immigrant life changed in the US over the 14 years she’s been abroad?

3) Why is her focus on counseling couples in their early years of marriage?

4) The absolute importance of the decisions that people make in those early years of marriage

5) What defines a successful relationship?

6) Importance of negotiables vs non-negotiables

7) Commonalities, shared values and their role in relationships
We go in depth into negotiables vs non-negotiables

9) The importance of the man’s earning power to women

10) The definition of love

11) How the feeling of love and the choice to love intermingle

12) What men want vs what women want

13) The search for one’s parents in their partners??!!

14)

Websites Mentioned

1) Sigmund Freud’s ideas

2) Julia’s website

3) Julia’s blog

My co-host on SARFM radio (I get tickled silly that I can say that), Pammy, sent me an email asking me to check out a video.

The Topic of the Video: Should You Move in with Him?

It was 3 African women discussing whether or not they should move in with a man while living in the disapora. Check out the Youtube video right here:

What’s Very Cool About the Video?

Is its something that’s relevant to me and that I can relate to: I have many friends and acquaintances who have moved in with their romantic and sexual partners.

Sure its very common for Westerners to do it, actually here in Oz de facto couples have almost equal rights to marriage couples depending on the duration of their union, but very rarely is it discussed by us for us.

So Check Out the Video

Leave some Youtube comments and let them know what you think. If you have anything to add to the topic area, you are free to leave a comment below.

Have an awesome day,

Mwangi

This blog post is about one of the first articles in the history of this blog, Jungle Fever: The Relationship Between African Men and White Women

A couple of things happened this week, that made me think about the Jungle Fever article:

1) The Direction of the Blogging

I am almost at the end of my blogging course, Blog Mastermind. As such I am thinking more and more about just what I will do once I have laid the foundation for this blog and have fully determined what this blog will be about.

After being in the blogosphere for a while I have seen that there are a few categories that are almost always guaranteed to get a lot of readers:

1) Sex and relationships: You can’t go wrong with this one on the Internet, you just can’t. Sad to say, but the cruder and more graphic you can be, the better.

2) Politics: I believe that if the Devil were to spit bile and mix it with the intestinal stew of a skunk, it would look a little bit like tribalism and irrational hate filled discussions about politics. However, there is no doubt: you want faces to come to your blog, talk about a controversial political issue.

3) Religion: This one surprised me. People love to talk about religion whether Eastern, Western or lack thereof.

4) Money: The key component to this one appears to be credibility. Once you have built credibility behind a particular brand and begin to talk about how people can make money or hustle a little smarter,  you will get face time.

Back to the Set

Anyway, there I was sitting in a bookshop reading a book about blogging (I hope the irony of my spending my offline time studying the online world has not escaped you) I started to think about just how popular the Jungle Fever and other relationship articles had been.

I have talked in the past about spinning off the Displaced African and starting up a blog which is dedicated entirely to the exploration and discussion of foreign and mixed race relationships. I started thinking about this again, and thought it might be a good idea. Who knows? Watch this space……..

2) I Sent a Letter to an Editor

I have been sending emails to newspapers and online magazines and radio stations to try and get some publicity to the blog. I am not too proud to admit, I am doing it all wrong.

My microtest of about 15 media houses has produced below-mediocre results. If anyone has any tips on how I can approach African mass media right and get some publicity for the blog, hit me up on masmilele(at)thedisplacedafrican(dot)com

Anyway, one of the letters I sent to an online publication proposing that we discuss the Jungle Fever article on their publication. Their very courteous response in short was:

Thanks for the email. We think your article is a little too offensive and one sided for a publication like ours.

And so just like I responded to them, let me say to all of you:

It is BECAUSE the article is so offensive and one sided that it must be discussed

I Was Surprised

No one was more surprised than me by what the reaction so far has been to that article: whereas many white women have stopped by to tell me how narrow minded and stereotype-supporting the article was, the reaction from the African community can only be surmarised as:

a) Quite agreement

b) Outright support

Does that mean that we all agree that African men are pretty much scraping from society’s barrel as far as relationship and sexual partners are concerned?

Did I just verbalize something we all knew: that on the totem pole of society, African men are kissing the lowest part of the pole?

It’s one thing to stereotype and it’s another to point out the truth. So, read Jungle Fever now and you tell me, is it true? Does it resonate with your experience?

Secondly, how does the idea of a foreign and mixed race relationship blog sound? Does the blog exist? Leave a comment below with the link.

Have a great day/night,

Mwangi

]]> http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/07/a-few-quick-thoughts-about-jungle-fever/feed/ 19 http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/07/what-everybody-ought-to-know-about-friendship/ http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/07/what-everybody-ought-to-know-about-friendship/#comments Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:00:20 +0000 Mwangi http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/?p=473

Before I Get the Ball Rolling

As always I like to give shout outs to everyone out there in the world wide African web doing great things. (Btw why are some of you African webmasters and bloggers so insular?) With that in mind, let me show some quick love to two people who have shown me an excess of affection:

Nigerian Entrepreneur

I asked him to write a tutorial on how people with lousy Internet connection can use Windows Live Writer to become more efficient bloggers and he complied. I haven’t read the article yet, but if it’s anything like his other work, it’ll be useful.

Windows Live Writer Tutorial

If you are reading this in a country or region where the net is slow check that link out.

Pam from SARFM Radio

If you check out the Displaced African’s media and press appearance’s page, you will realize that this week I added one new media appearance to the flock. It was a fun interview I conducted with Pam from SARFM Radio. Much more straight up fun than it was serious and insightful, feel free to check it out.

Anyway, Pam sent me this email after the interview requesting that I put the word out:

If you are an East African writer or artist or doing anything good and you need some free publicity, Pam from SARFM radio would love to hear from you. Either find them by checking out the SARFM radio website or by leaving a comment below or getting in contact with me.

On to the Main Business

The ideas behind this post are still quite fresh and have not fully marinated in my head: if you find the post, too abstract, leave a comment below and let me know.

I am not going to say anything particularly revolutionary or brand new in this post, because this post was caused by my being forced to remember something quite fundamental about frienships that even I sometimes forget:

There is a reason that someone is your friend. Take away that reason and unless there is/are another reason(s) that you are friends, they will cease to be your friend.

A Problem

A problem I often hear expressed when people make a life long change like converting religions or changing their lifestyle or changing anything dramatic or at the core of being a person is that they “realize that”:

People who they thought were their friends turned out to be “fake friends”.

Because this person ceases to be a friend the way they once were, it is taken as a betrayal of a friendship that one thought was eternal and immutable.

The Flaw in this Type of Thinking

I think the deepest flaw in this type of thinking is that its a very narcissistic way of viewing the world where you don’t take the moment to consider that perhaps other people may be just like you.

Isn’t there a reason that everyone who is your friend is your friend?

The Different Types of Friends We Have

Don’t you have friends for at least one of the following reasons:

1) Friends of circumstance: People who you see so often whether at school, work, church or anywhere you frequent regularly. You just have to figure out how to get along whether you like the other person initially or not.

2) Friends of events: Friends who you do certain things with: this is especially true for people who have friends for worshiping and others for partying. And then there are others for all sorts of hobbies or miscellaneous activities.

3) Friends who are like you: Immigrants get pulled to their own countrymen because they share a nation. Immigrants are pulled to each other because they are all foreign nationals. People think like you do, like what you like and have similar interests and since you like the same things, by extension you like each other.

4) Friends who make you feel good: This one is a huge category that encompasses so many things such as friends who make you feel good because they make you feel superior, friends who excite you with their humour and outlook on life and all sorts of things about them just make you happy.

I am sure I have missed a couple, so please leave a comment and add to the list.

This Element is What Pulls you Together

There are 6 billion people in the world. We are not all friends with each other. We tend to be pulled into relationship and community with people for one of the preceeding four reasons (and any others you may add below).

That element is what binds you together. It’s not that he’s human and your human and so you’ll just naturally get along.

Take away that string that holds the two of you together, and unless you have other things that connect you, your friendship will end.

Why I Wrote this Post

I wrote this post for a couple of reasons:

One Like the Sun

Firstly, to speak to those people who have the problem above. Take a moment and reflect. When you changed, did that affect the very thing that connects you to each other? If that is the case, then does it surprise you that your friendship ended?

Let’s turn the tables: If you had never changed and your friend had changed the way you had, don’t you think YOU would have found it a bit difficult to remain friends with that person?

Two Like a Shoe

Secondly, I wrote this to encourage you to reflect on the bonds that lock you and your current friends together. What are they? Are they strong? Are they weak? Are they multiple? This simple act of reflection can go a long way towards helping you strengthen whatever friendships you may have by working on strengthening the connections that bring you together day after day. It may also help you figure out why you drift apart should you do so.

Three Like a Tree

Finally, I wrote it to encourage you to go out there and form more bonds with the friends you currently have. To illustrate this point I will use an absolutely terrible example from my teenage years (hopefully you’ll do better )

The Story: the Last Time I Ever Shoplifted

I had this very good friend in high school. One day he and I decided that we wanted to drink alcohol and that we were also too poor to pay for it. And so we went to a supermarket in the city to restock on some poisonous brew.

We walked around the store pretending to browse around for close to an hour meanwhile taking sachets of brandy and rum and shoving them into whatever compartment and hole we could find.

As we were about to make the “victory march” out of the store, we were pounced on by two plain clothed store policemen who bumrushed us not out of the store but all the way to the back where we were locked in a tiny manager’s office.

What proceeded was an extended period of me and my buddy lying, being discovered as heartless, and very very cheap liars, getting beaten up by a store manager because:

” I go to work everyday to pay school fees for my children so that SCHUPID children like yourself can come here to steal our stuff”

Me and my buddy left the store and immediately jumped into one of the severely overcrowded buses which was the inspiration behind tales such as this one.

As we rolled home, and onto way more debauchery and self-destructive behaviour, we looked at each other and realized we had just become greater friends. We had stolen together, gotten caught together, lied for each other, had the sense knocked into us together and we were still here……..together.

No longer would we just have good conversation, a classroom and silliness to bind us. Now we had a whole lot more.

Back to the Final Point

I use this example half tongue-in-cheek but I hope you see the point. Friendship is one of those important areas that I do not think we should leave to chance: stop reading this post now, leave me a nice comment and go out there and create another bond with your friend.

Your future self won’t regret it.

Have a friendly day,

Mwangi

PS: Feels like I haven’t written a post like this in a while and so it felt good to do this. Leave a comment and subscribe to the blog via RSS or email (apparently this tutorial is quite useful, so if you have no clue what RSS is, check out this little video tutorial page)

Pretty provocative title huh?

This article was provoked by a discussion I started having over at Kelly’s blog, (you know I think its the blog I have linked to the most times unless I’m mistaken), anyway, I’ll quote the little discussion we had below:

Kelly said:
Do you believe in divorce? – Yap!
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce? – If any relationship is not working out, I don’t believe in struggling to make it work. Life is too short to spend it unhappy, fighting and stuff.

Mwangi said:
Do you believe in divorce?-Absolutely, totally, unequivocally not: Why make such a commitment and make some trust you when at the back of your mind you know you can break that trust. The fact that it exists, saddens me.
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce?-Nope, she’d have to kill me. Even if she tried to (kill) me with a butcher knife,she is my wife and my gift from God, I have to take care of her until death parts us.

Kelly said:
@Mwangi: …….can I just say I love the way you’re passionate about the whole ’till death do us part thing’? For me, thats one part of the vows that I don’t plan to say IF I’m getting married cos I know, unfaithfulness, and several other things can do us part.

Mwangi said:
Btw (by the way for the unitiated), though I know this will severely limit my options once the time comes,if a woman believes in divorce she immediately puts herself in the buddy with benefits corner and no further than that. Ai, no, personality and compatibility matters a whole lot less to me than the knowledge that me and her will be together, forever through anything…..


Kelly said:
It’s kinda sweet but also scary to know the man you’re marrying would rather die than divorce you…

Mwangi said:
It’s a fear I am willing to live with, this is a lifelong thing…….

Val said:
Wah…mwangi..ati you’d rather death than divorce?? As PinkMM says thats tres scary..I believe in struggling to make it work..but only if both of you are committed to it..otherwise one sided struggles don’t do it for me

Mwangi said:
@Val: When one is young and the relationship is casual, keep it as casual as can be, no biggie, no problems there. But what I am not a fan of is people who lie to themselves and each other (telling someone you have known for a month or so I will love you forever, unless you bore me, do something wrong, make me feel worthless enough times, something better comes along etc etc) But if you look someone in the eye, and before God and a preacher make a committment to do something for life, you shouldn’t say something like that if you don’t mean it. If you do that, you’re lying to your spouse, the preacher, God, all the guests and most of all yourself. I don’t really want to be the type of person who has to lie to myself. Yeah, it’s not really as grave as it sounds, but when I decide to committ I intend on taking it very seriously. That’s why I was saying I know my way of thinking will severley limit my options: not enough people really believe in those marriage vows really, there is always a caveat (if I become unhappy, infidelity, my career, money problems, if it’s not working out etc etc) Hmm there might be a post in this somewhere we’ll see.

Mwangi, You’re Young Why are You Thinking About Such “Heavy Stuff” Now?

Well, the reason is because I deeply believe in the principle:

Begin with the end in mind

In spite of everything that I may or may not do while I am young, dumb and full of………, I must forever remember that when it’s all said and done I will eventually be blessed with the gift of a wife ( or wives ) and children who I will be responsible for every single day until I die.

So I think it’s important, from even the age of 15 or whenever it is that you gain some form of self-awareness for you to start thinking about the type of husband, father, friend, person you want to be. What you focus on is what you become? So please make sure you are in control of that.

Till Death Do Us Part!……..Unless……….

As you can see from the comments above, the mentality I am moving forward with and cultivating as I go along is that when I get married it’s till death do us part, full stop, exclamation.

In my mind I put no caveats on that statement: even if she tries to kill me I’ll stay with her, even if she bores me or doesn’t fulfill me emotionally I will stay, even if she tries to steal from me or cheats on me, I’ll stay.

Easier Said Than Done

Of course this is much easier said than done, but one thing that this life is teaching me is that in order to succeed in any field of endevour, you determine the desired outcome first and work on creating that rather than the “let’s wait and see what happens” mentality that a lot of folks chose to live by.

So Why Do You Think Like That?

I know a lot of you probably grew up in families where there were one or two people who were just black sheep through and through and through. Self destructive to the max and always bringing down the people around them.

I was so touched when I looked around at the times when this situation took place and realized that the family always stuck by the black sheep. That type of loyalty even during the hard times really inspired me.

In my first few years here, when I was an angry kid just trying to find my way, there were teachers in high school ( Mrs. S and Mr. K ) and relatives of mine who always tried to talk to me and guide me and mentor me and all through that period, my family was there. I never forgot that.

None of these people HAD to do anything. They could have thrown me out when I wasn’t-and still am not-the best person to be around. They could have ignored me or simply dismissed me as crazy, not always a bad thing, but they didn’t. They stuck by me.

I Want to Be…

I want to become the type of man who does that for my family. I never ever want my child or spouse to be in question as to whether or not I’ll leave or betray them. I never want to doubt myself or my ability to live up to the principles and standards that I set.

I view my spouse(s) and whatever kid(s) I may have as divine gifts from God that I am responsible for until the day that I day and I want to live that viewpoint through my actions.

Let’s Talk About Love

Now as many of you know, I am not at all a fan of building a life long marriage upon feelings of infatuation (what other folks called love) and that I don’t tend to view love the same way that other individuals look at it.

But will I be looking to get married to someone who infatuates me, of course. Will I want an absolutely gorgeous, curvaceous, bottom-heavy (African men know what I’m talking about) woman who I can converse with and who I feel I can bring something to? Of course!

BUT, I do not want our union to be based upon how much she infatuates me today. Sure I want to cultivate and work on passion so that I go nuts for her (I am easily entertained and excited so this shouldn’t be too hard) for the rest of our lives. But if she doesn’t drive me nuts, I don’t want to be the type of man who leaves in pursuit of the next thrill.

I don’t want my child to question their own worth because daddy can’t somehow find a way to navigate around the fact or solve the problem of the sexual spark being gone.

In Conclusion

And so I’m just letting you know, and in fact if this blog will still be around then, I expect you guys to hold me accountable, that when I go before a church, God, my family, friends and that minister, look a woman in the eye and tell her:

I will be there in sickness and in health. The good times and the bad. From this day forward you and whatever children we may have are my divine gifts that I will serve, love, protect and live for, TILL DEATH DO US PART!

You best believe I mean that. Of course it’s kind of scary, this is a lifelong journey with no guarantees: I would be scared for you if that didn’t make you a little nervous.

Be blessed and bless others,

Mwangi

Introduction

1) An Open Letter to Women on How to Treat Men

2) Sunny’s article on the Walk for Breast Cancer

Letter To Men

I am writing to let you know that there are some general things that you should know concerning women, especially women that you want to date. NB:I speak for myself and we( refers generally to things about women that I think are true) and any reference to any person living or deceased is purely coincidental)

Be Yourself

The funniest and wittiest are known by their consistency.You may be trying too hard, or too little. Either way,I, and many others would rather have you. Include some cute quirks. Some women are fascinated by multilingual people, that includes those who can speak Sheng slang and English, multiple vernaculars, Jamaican creole etc Others like dull as nails academic types, you may fit in that category. Others appreciate handy DIY people who can fix things and teach me how to change a tire. You have a unique personality, I do not want a created character.

On that note, here is something for the nice guys.

Nice Guys

We know who you are. We see some women in your life treating you like a doormat/ATM Machine/gold mine. I have the female sight, and when I met her I knew exactly why she wanted to be with you, especially if she thinks you are $$$ and wants a chunk of you. My friend,head for the hills, I do not care what her best quality is.That is one reason why ‘nice guys finish last’, and you can see how years of such treatment would jade and destroy even the most indomitable nice guy. How do you know whether your lady would do that to you?. Sorry, I can only ask you whether you are happy with your girl, be wary if you hear that too often from your female pals, your sis, your mom!

Flowers and Chocolate

I may love them so please, do be creative, BUT I may be allergic, I may associate them with sad times. I may think that is cheesy beyond! Tip: The more public the flower display the better. Chocolate – Makes me happy, makes me happy about you, if well timed.

My Gal Pals

If you are intimidated by my gal pals, I cannot change that. They get me through the times when the stuff hits the fan. What I can say is that they are part of my life. Do not try and adjudicate who stays and who goes, I knew them before you came along. Plus, if you can calm down about them, I may be more open to you and the boys hanging out, without me.

Chivalry

It so happens that we like to have doors opened for us when out with you. We know its soo last century but we like it, so if you could avoid entering everywhere chest first, that would be much appreciated.Since we are in the 21st century, dont hesitate to ask whether I mind having the door opened, as I will let you know exactly how I feel about the whole practice. Be sure that its the small things that
matter.

Paying For the Date

I really do not care for where the date will be, but can we decide early whether we are going dutch(split) or if you are paying, and where we are going, in case you take me somewhere in the $$$$ price range of Chez L’Ami and I can only afford a hotdog, and chips for five shillings(taken from Ndarlin P) – Do not embarrass me by pulling stunts when the check arrives, because that is tacky.

Karma

Lady Karma follows you. I am one of those pedestrians who will always try and cross the road, regardless of how many drivers (as we often do in Nairobi) because I have a feeling nobody would want to risk bad luck in love for life by hitting a pretty lady. Also and more seriously, do not even think that because you screwed me over and walked away, that someone will not do the same to your best friend, sister, beloved female role model or that the same fortune will not follow you.

Talking About You

When you meet me, and start telling me about how your high school rugby team won some tournament (think Prescott, schools etc) or that you invented the national recipe for your regional beer, look! look! notice how my eyes are glazing over. You are boring me. I do not want to hear a play by play account of your illustrious career as an actor, or why you think your take on politics/sports/cooking/travel is so fascinating. I want to have a dialogue (read two people exchanging ideas) therefore…a quick mention will be enough. If you are truly interested, shut up, really listen, then you will not ask me later questions like…

What Kind of Man Do I Like

Do not ask me what kind of man I like. Did someone give people this line along with the ‘You have been running through my mind all night,” variety. Seriously. If you put me on the spot, I may, or may not tell you what you want to hear. Use your common sense which I think is pretty common…

Common Sense

This common sense dictates that when you approach me, you know what you are doing, so do not play a fool. Do not act like I was seeing my own things, or hearing my own tired lines from you. Especially,do not quote movie lines, ‘ Its not me its you” “I need time to find myself” “Things have not been the same between us” because they are so cliche, and we know what movie that is, cause we watched it with you.Come on, really?

Prowess

If you need to brag about it, it is probably not true. Enough said. The world is filled with enough fiction, and there is no need to add your own.

Just Not That Into You

I have not called back, she does not want to text. She probably lost interest. Or, your incessant calling put her off, or the fact that you are stalking her by either following her home physically (by public transportation in the same vehicle) or online (MySpace, Facebook, etc). Either way step back. Like many women, I am also not into married, attached or otherwise engaged men, and if you fit into those categories and I have told you to back off, I really do mean it. I am not into another person’s meat, its poison!

There is a lot of conditional points in these lines. Women are wonderful, whole complete beings. Each one is delicate( to be handled with care, not ‘easily broken‘) and valuable ( has supporters who would willingly bash your face in if you tried a dumb stunt).

Over to you Mwangi.

By Sunny,

From Project Sunshine

For more posts perspectives on relationships from Africans living in the diaspora, subscribe for free updates via email or RSS

Ladies, I love you, I adore you and God made you more beautiful than the roof of Sistine Chapel. In addition to that, some of you have genuine reasons to complain, after all, a lot of the time, men are well (no offence fellas) useless really. Just selfish users who don’t bring much to your life. HOWEVER, for the love of all that is peaceful and pure: please stop complaining so much.

Aah Stories from Puppy Love

I remember when I was a wee tyke I once met this girl and we began talking on the phone. Now at the time I had the smoothness and the subtlety of a wrecking ball so I barreled along until eventually she rejected me with, “You are so immature.” I was a teenager, so…….anyway……Years later, I began to reflect on what we talked about whenever we were on the phone and it went a little something like this:

Cue the Narcissism

I love chocolate. One time I was walking and eating some caramel, with some nuts and mint, Cadbury oh-my-goodness-it-was-just-melting-in-my-mouth-chocolate and this boy came to talk to me. I told him psssshhhh, I don’t talk to boys when I’m eating chocolate.

One time I was talking to my friend and this boy interrupted us to talk to me and I was like (three guesses) pssshhh, you can’t interrupt me when I am talking to my friends.

And Then These Delightful Creatures Grow Up to Become Women

Just to be clear, I did not make the above dialogue up. Now that I am older, I realized that a lot of the conversations I have with women are opportunities for women to complain:

You will never guess the stressful day I had, the people at work/ the lecturers did/this tramp did……..(30 minute complaint session)

X person is such a (insert expletive here), they did………..(30 minute monologue).

You will never believe the (expletive) that tried to hit on me today, he actually tried (latest technique that playas and pick up artists are trying), the loser he…..(30 minute soliloquy)

It’s Just Me!

I don’t know if I am alone on this one, but I honestly don’t want to take 30 minutes to learn what you don’t like about the world and it’s current state. Instead I would love to take those 30 minutes and:

a) Find out what you like. What turns you on about this life so I can give you more of it.

b) What you like that I like: We will definitely do more and have more of that.

c) Solving your problems. You know what happens when you have a problem?A solution

But That’s How Women Are…..

I know that a lot of you are saying…….

“But that’s how women are. We work through our problems by ranting and raving about them, meditating on them and having a cry about them. We start the venting on you, not for your benefit, but for ours because we know once the vent is over, whether or not a solution has been reached, we will feel better.”

Here’s Where I am Coming From

Well that’s fair enough. I know there will be those times when you just need a friend/lover/brother/cousin/basically a man to just listen to you and try to understand and empathize with where you are coming from.

Please understand, there will be days when it will be too much and your unleashing of stress will have the melodic timbre of nails being drawn across a chalk board. At times, empathize with me and I will empathize with you.

Understand that:

1. I never burden you with a problem unless I am thinking through the solution with you at the same time.

2. I exist and do my best to make you the happiest and best person I think you can be.

So understand that many a time I will look at it as nothing but needless whining that can be solved. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the fact that you trust me enough to share your inner most turmoil. I’m just sharing some of my turmoil with you.

As a Great Western Poet Once Said say xoxoxo,

Let’s make love and not complain today,

Mwangi

NB: To see the levels of exasperation that this can lead to -from someone who is a much better listener than I (and is a woman) please check out Shiroh’s post on people who ask for advice but don’t act on it.

I am growing up. I am actually growing up. Over the past couple of weeks, ever since I got hit by the lovebug, one thought has loomed deep in my mind: what type of husband/wife and father/mother do I want to be?

Now, seeing as I have the level of moderation of a junkie, I have thought about the answer to that question constantly and realized that in the grand scheme of things I have a lot of work to do.

I am still very domineering, especially of people that I know, and I think I need to calm down and work on creating the type of home where people can be comfortable being themselves and don’t have to worry about battling me for dominance.

In spite of that I want to create a home where people will feel safe. I want them to feel that when the world is crashing around them, I will be in control and I will handle what needs to be handled.

One place that I have made huge strides is honesty: Some time ago, I viewed my ability to lie to women as a virtue. Those days have since vanished. I want my woman to KNOW EVERYTHING about me. This isn’t because I am proud of everything I have done, especially in relationships, but because I want her to feel safe to be honest around me.

I want to home school my kids. The criticism I constantly hear about this is that the child is isolated from other youth and doesn’t develop social skills. For this reason I will probably enroll my child into a Christian school which he will attend a couple of days a week and I will home school him the rest of the week. Or maybe I will meet up with other parents who home school and we will create play dates. However it happens, I want to be responsible for shaping the character of the gift of life that God will give me.

The way I see my life going, I will probably end up a born again Christian who will found my own church ala Erwin Mcmanus. It will be a church focussed around men and developing men of character and strength. It will be practical and focussed on building projects such as Fidelis Wainaina did in Maseno i.e. projects that help people become self-sufficient, independent and self-confident.

I will create step-by-step guides for men on how to control their sexuality rather than be controlled by it. I think I have already spoken about how necessary this is, but in my case it will be beyond necessary because I WILL ALWAYS be faithful to my wife, not ony in my body but in my mind. I never want my eyes to even begin to find the possibility of the idea of straying attractive. I want my mind, body and soul to be drawn to only my muse and will do everything I can to ensure that happens.

I fear that I will not be enough. I am so idiosyncratic as a human being, and it is so easy to hate me that I fear one day after years and years of marriage, I will do something that will turn her off and she will leave me. I don’t know if this fear will ever leave me. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.

I also fear that my wife will cheat on me. Some men can be so good at seducing women, I fear that in the midst of some turmoil or a period where passion is waning, a man will sweep in and sweep my wife of my feet. I would be devastated. Maybe this fear will leave me, maybe it won’t.

I want my child to experience first hand the consequences of addictions. I want him to work in rehab centres and sexual addiction clinics so that he can understand the power of moderation and control and what can happen when you don’t have it.

I have to develop cleaning routines. At the moment my cleaning habits and routines are…..errr…..errr…..lacking to say the least.

I hope I will like the type of people my kids grow up in to. Because like everyone in my family, even though they shoot me, I will still love them.

I never ever want us to fight over money. From the moment our souls interlock, every cent I will ever earn will be hers. In my mind I am lucky in that I don’t fear poverty, so she can take every cent I have and I will still love her (who woulda thought huh?).

I will be the best lover ever. If not at the beginning, give me time. My personality is way too obsessive for me to not work on it until every evening is a spiritual experience.

What type of husband, father, mother, wife and lover do you want to be? I never thought I would ever have such a strong desire to become a better human being: I guess love sickness does it to you.

Before you leave, make sure you leave a comment below.

You are loved, please go out today and spread that love,

Mwangi