Pretty provocative title huh?

This article was provoked by a discussion I started having over at Kelly’s blog, (you know I think its the blog I have linked to the most times unless I’m mistaken), anyway, I’ll quote the little discussion we had below:

Kelly said:
Do you believe in divorce? – Yap!
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce? – If any relationship is not working out, I don’t believe in struggling to make it work. Life is too short to spend it unhappy, fighting and stuff.

Mwangi said:
Do you believe in divorce?-Absolutely, totally, unequivocally not: Why make such a commitment and make some trust you when at the back of your mind you know you can break that trust. The fact that it exists, saddens me.
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce?-Nope, she’d have to kill me. Even if she tried to (kill) me with a butcher knife,she is my wife and my gift from God, I have to take care of her until death parts us.

Kelly said:
@Mwangi: …….can I just say I love the way you’re passionate about the whole ’till death do us part thing’? For me, thats one part of the vows that I don’t plan to say IF I’m getting married cos I know, unfaithfulness, and several other things can do us part.

Mwangi said:
Btw (by the way for the unitiated), though I know this will severely limit my options once the time comes,if a woman believes in divorce she immediately puts herself in the buddy with benefits corner and no further than that. Ai, no, personality and compatibility matters a whole lot less to me than the knowledge that me and her will be together, forever through anything…..


Kelly said:
It’s kinda sweet but also scary to know the man you’re marrying would rather die than divorce you…

Mwangi said:
It’s a fear I am willing to live with, this is a lifelong thing…….

Val said:
Wah…mwangi..ati you’d rather death than divorce?? As PinkMM says thats tres scary..I believe in struggling to make it work..but only if both of you are committed to it..otherwise one sided struggles don’t do it for me

Mwangi said:
@Val: When one is young and the relationship is casual, keep it as casual as can be, no biggie, no problems there. But what I am not a fan of is people who lie to themselves and each other (telling someone you have known for a month or so I will love you forever, unless you bore me, do something wrong, make me feel worthless enough times, something better comes along etc etc) But if you look someone in the eye, and before God and a preacher make a committment to do something for life, you shouldn’t say something like that if you don’t mean it. If you do that, you’re lying to your spouse, the preacher, God, all the guests and most of all yourself. I don’t really want to be the type of person who has to lie to myself. Yeah, it’s not really as grave as it sounds, but when I decide to committ I intend on taking it very seriously. That’s why I was saying I know my way of thinking will severley limit my options: not enough people really believe in those marriage vows really, there is always a caveat (if I become unhappy, infidelity, my career, money problems, if it’s not working out etc etc) Hmm there might be a post in this somewhere we’ll see.

Mwangi, You’re Young Why are You Thinking About Such “Heavy Stuff” Now?

Well, the reason is because I deeply believe in the principle:

Begin with the end in mind

In spite of everything that I may or may not do while I am young, dumb and full of………, I must forever remember that when it’s all said and done I will eventually be blessed with the gift of a wife ( or wives ) and children who I will be responsible for every single day until I die.

So I think it’s important, from even the age of 15 or whenever it is that you gain some form of self-awareness for you to start thinking about the type of husband, father, friend, person you want to be. What you focus on is what you become? So please make sure you are in control of that.

Till Death Do Us Part!……..Unless……….

As you can see from the comments above, the mentality I am moving forward with and cultivating as I go along is that when I get married it’s till death do us part, full stop, exclamation.

In my mind I put no caveats on that statement: even if she tries to kill me I’ll stay with her, even if she bores me or doesn’t fulfill me emotionally I will stay, even if she tries to steal from me or cheats on me, I’ll stay.

Easier Said Than Done

Of course this is much easier said than done, but one thing that this life is teaching me is that in order to succeed in any field of endevour, you determine the desired outcome first and work on creating that rather than the “let’s wait and see what happens” mentality that a lot of folks chose to live by.

So Why Do You Think Like That?

I know a lot of you probably grew up in families where there were one or two people who were just black sheep through and through and through. Self destructive to the max and always bringing down the people around them.

I was so touched when I looked around at the times when this situation took place and realized that the family always stuck by the black sheep. That type of loyalty even during the hard times really inspired me.

In my first few years here, when I was an angry kid just trying to find my way, there were teachers in high school ( Mrs. S and Mr. K ) and relatives of mine who always tried to talk to me and guide me and mentor me and all through that period, my family was there. I never forgot that.

None of these people HAD to do anything. They could have thrown me out when I wasn’t-and still am not-the best person to be around. They could have ignored me or simply dismissed me as crazy, not always a bad thing, but they didn’t. They stuck by me.

I Want to Be…

I want to become the type of man who does that for my family. I never ever want my child or spouse to be in question as to whether or not I’ll leave or betray them. I never want to doubt myself or my ability to live up to the principles and standards that I set.

I view my spouse(s) and whatever kid(s) I may have as divine gifts from God that I am responsible for until the day that I day and I want to live that viewpoint through my actions.

Let’s Talk About Love

Now as many of you know, I am not at all a fan of building a life long marriage upon feelings of infatuation (what other folks called love) and that I don’t tend to view love the same way that other individuals look at it.

But will I be looking to get married to someone who infatuates me, of course. Will I want an absolutely gorgeous, curvaceous, bottom-heavy (African men know what I’m talking about) woman who I can converse with and who I feel I can bring something to? Of course!

BUT, I do not want our union to be based upon how much she infatuates me today. Sure I want to cultivate and work on passion so that I go nuts for her (I am easily entertained and excited so this shouldn’t be too hard) for the rest of our lives. But if she doesn’t drive me nuts, I don’t want to be the type of man who leaves in pursuit of the next thrill.

I don’t want my child to question their own worth because daddy can’t somehow find a way to navigate around the fact or solve the problem of the sexual spark being gone.

In Conclusion

And so I’m just letting you know, and in fact if this blog will still be around then, I expect you guys to hold me accountable, that when I go before a church, God, my family, friends and that minister, look a woman in the eye and tell her:

I will be there in sickness and in health. The good times and the bad. From this day forward you and whatever children we may have are my divine gifts that I will serve, love, protect and live for, TILL DEATH DO US PART!

You best believe I mean that. Of course it’s kind of scary, this is a lifelong journey with no guarantees: I would be scared for you if that didn’t make you a little nervous.

Be blessed and bless others,

Mwangi

The Great Polygamy Debate

A couple of you wanted me to get a discussion started on this and I wanted to discuss this and so here we are. I want to get some great back and forth and so I will take the unpopular position and try to make the case for polygamy. I know there are many of you who read this site and have never left a comment. Make this the post where you leave your first comment and let me know your thoughts on the polygamy debate.

(NB: Keep the debate, positive and constructive. Remember it’s better to say nothing than say something that tears other folks down

ii) In case I can’t create an excuse to do so, make sure you read Kelly’s post on African marriages. It’s so true, so sad and sets the context for this post a little bit.)

Point Number One: A Rebuttal

I know one of the main arguments that will be brought up against polygamy is:

It’s a selfish, barbaric practice that only exists to satisfy the man. Whereas women who exist under polygamy have to endure jealousy and constantly fighting for the man’s attention and resources, the man can happily live with the daily ego boost of going in and out of his wives’ homes as he pleases. Under monogamy, the woman doesn’t have to fight for attention and has the full attention of the man in a mutually loving and nurturing relationship.

Let’s Separate the Ideal from the Reality

Ideally, under monogamy, we have a mutually loving relationship, based on friendship and trust that is mutually nurturing and satisfying to both parties. The reality on the ground is much different.

The Male Seed Wholesaler

First of all, from a very young age, there will be a 20% of men who sleep with 80% of the women. This is not an exact science but I think once I made this point, a lot of you can see that it’s true. Whether it’s the local or international celebrity or the most charming and eligible bachelors in the city, or the rich businessman, there will be that collection of men who will bed more women over the course of their life, than the other 80% combined.

These men tend to have the wonderful gift of being able to take women to emotional and orgasmic highs that the other men can’t seem to do. As a result, women are willing to jeopardize a lot in pursuit of this ultimately unattainable man.

This monogamy arrangement actually works out very favorably for these men because they can bed single women, engaged women and married women (don’t even act like this doesn’t happen very often) all over the place and thanks to contraception NEVER HAVE TO SHOULDER THE RESPONSIBILITY because the society is arranged in such a way that every adult male and female are responsible for their actions with no safety nets to protect the women.

What Polygamy Offers

What polygamy basically offers these women is accountability and security. More often than not, the “20% men” tend to be the most economically successful and most able to shoulder the responsibility of taking care of large numbers of people. The man can’t just hop from wife to wife to wife without ever having to shoulder the responsibilities for her upkeep. I am not just talking about a few thousand dollars in child support in case the man slips up one night. The man, with the support of the rest of his family can go out there, find a woman,bring her into his fold and take care of her and her children for the rest of their lives.

This will bring down the currently skyrocketing single parent household rate.

Point Number 2: The Male Nature

Finally, as I have said previously, polygamy appears to be the best way for a man to somewhat stay true to his nature in a manner that upholds his dignity, the dignity of the community and the dignity of his wife (ves) and children. Men, have been accused left, right and center of constantly being aroused by the latest, cute thing in a skirt even when they have a perfectly loving and nurturing relationship.

As one looks around the world, one can’t help but think that perhaps the man’s proclivity to always pursue the next beautiful woman isn’t just an anomaly but rather the way that he is naturally designed. So, why not stay true to this nature in a manner that is sanctioned by all the major religions of the world?

The Discussion is Way More Important than the Article in this Case

I think I will stop it there and see what discussion develops. The discussion is polygamy: give your two cents about it. Remember, keep it positive! We want some useful information to come out of this debate. Make sure you click in the small white box at the bottom of the comment box when you leave a comment so you can receive emails whenever new comments are left and stay a part of this debate.

Be blesd and bles othaz,
Mwangi

]]> http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/06/heres-why-everybody-should-be-a-polygamist/feed/ 110 http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/06/the-cornerstone-of-succesful-long-lasting-marriages/ http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/2008/06/the-cornerstone-of-succesful-long-lasting-marriages/#comments Sat, 31 May 2008 17:13:57 +0000 Mwangi http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com/?p=345

It will take me some time to get to my point so bear with me. For quite a few years now I have been fascinated with understanding relationships. Even though I am still in the stage of life where I am pretty much a wholesale seed distributor, I have always loved to reflect on, study and understand relationships that work and work for a really long time.

Long Distances and Mashada

So, anyway, one day I ended up on the popular message board Mashada quite distraught. There had been two long distance relationships I had looked at and thought to myself:

They will go the distance those ones. They’ll make it.

Typically when people in their 20s show up in the diaspora and say they are in a long distance relationship, I think of it at the very least as a joke and at the very most as an exchange of physical pleasure and flattery every so often, though when apart from one another, everyone and everything is fair game.

But not these two. Allow me to explain.

Relationship Number 1

They were both in their late 20s. They had both long since put the fun and nonsense that is high school and University behind them (point one for them). She was abroad pursuing her Masters and he was back in Africa holding down the fort.

When she spoke of him one could see that they clearly had a deep friendship and their relationship wasn’t just based on some superficial attraction (point two for them). She is a woman and she is abroad, and so of course African men jumped on her like chaff on Velcro. For a good year or so, the two men who had put forth the most consistent effort were consistently being shut down in spite of their clear charm (point three for them).

A Small Crack in the Ceiling

But alas one of them one evening managed to get her in a room for a game of tonsil hockey which was unfortunately interrupted midway. As soon as the interruption took place, the woman sped out of that room and we all thought that was all she wrote.

Six Months Later

Fast forward six months later and both of these men got what they wanted from her in spite of the fact that she had a chance to go back to Africa and visit her guy.

Relationship Number 2

She was quite young, still of college age, but she was the quintessential woman of faith (point number one for them). She admitted that once someone had her, he had her for life (point two for them) and that was pretty much her intention with her significant other.

No one has come between them, but the fellow who is also pretty young (point one against) has ended the relationship by trying to let her down easy. I won’t go into too much detail, all I will say is it took me by quite some surprise just how quickly it ended.

Right Back to Mashada

So anyway I end up on Mashada and I decide to ask folk:

Do these long distance relationships ever work?

Now of course a lot of you already know the answer that 9 times out of 10, especially when we are talking about people in their 20s they don’t work BUT out of that discussion something came up that I thought was definitely worth discussing.

Are Family and Community the Cornerstones of Succesful and Long Lasting Relationships?

You’ve all watched the TV shows where someone takes their partner to their parent’s home and the parents totally disapprove of him or her. In a moment of defiance, the person will normally grab their partner tight, leer at his or her parents and say something to the extent of:

Well she’s not marrying you. She’s marrying me and I love her. So regardless of whether you approve of this marriage or support it, we’ll get married anyway.

And then they walk of hand in hand to face the world together: Just the two of them and their love.

Is that a Huge Mistake?

In Australia we have this tabloid type program that’s very popular called a Current Affair. Sometime ago they had a special on Indian arranged marriages where they were trying to explore why Indian marriages last so much longer than typical Western marriages that are basically like Russian roulette with a 50/50 chance.

One of the things that came out of that is someone said:

In an arranged marriage, one isn’t simply marrying a person, they are marrying their family (or clan or community).

That got me to thinking….weren’t traditional marriages exactly the same and didn’t they also have the ridiculously low divorce and run away rates?

Accountability and Committment

I am just speculating based on the limited information I have but I think what it ultimately boils down too is when you marry or form a relationship with someone’s family or community instead of just them you have made a committment and are accountable to a lot more people.

Compare this with the typical love relationship where one is usually not even answerable to their spouse but instead to their feelings. How can we possibly expect to build a long lasting relationship or commit to anything long term simply on the basis of how we feel when we are so damn capricious as human beings? (I have waited so long to use one of my favourite words, capricious)

When you marry a family you are answerable to a lot of people and this helps get you by when your feelings tell you that you don’t feel like going.

They Force You Back Together

When you decide you need distance from each other lest you kill each other, you retreat to a family/and or community which considers itself a part of your relationship and so will try to force the two of you together……….

Back to You

My mental exercise ends there. What do y’all think? Does marrying someone’s family and community make a difference? Is this a load of bollocks? Leave a comment and let me know.

Just trying to figure this whole thing out,

Mwangi