Before listening to this make sure you listen to:

a) Part one

b) Part two of the interview

The Podcast

Things Discussed

1) Skills needed to succeed at the various stages of relationships: courtship, marriage

2) Sex (Need I really say more? )

3) Interesting facts about people who live together and how that influences the success of their marriage.

4) How is success measured in relationships when Julia counsels them?

5) What “works” in terms of African immigrant relationships?

6) The changing sex roles for African immigrant couples.

7) Money (Again, need I say more?)
How to raise kids abroad?

Websites

1) Julia’s website

2) Julia’s blog

3) Article on raising kids abroad

4) An African immigrant who raised kids abroad and her insights

5) My sisters who I mentioned in the interview (My most popular podcast to date BYYYYY FAAAARRRR)

Make sure you listen to Part One of this interview with Julia Sanna first.

The Podcast

Ideas Discussed

1) The importance of “relationship role models” especially when one is younger

2) Digressions to discuss African American relationships

3) The African “man is boss” mentality in the 21st century: How do women respond to male authority today?

4) The educated African woman in the West vs traditional African values

5) The changing roles between men and women

6) The flexible role of authority in marriage

7) Why on Earth should people get married if the rules and roles are so arbitrary and negotiable?
The role of children in marriage

9) How to ensure that people have a great relationship after they have kids

10) Friends and mentors in relationships

Websites

1) Julia’s website

2) Julia’s blog

If there are two topics the Internet, including the African immigrant web, are obsessed with its relationships and sex. HUGE proportions of this blog’s traffic, controversy, friends and enemies come from relationship and sex-related articles.

With that in mind, I thought I would do the most responsible thing I could. Get someone who is an expert on relationships, especially as pertains to African immigrants and find out what she knows, what her research has uncovered and what practical tips we can take away that we can apply to make our intimate relationships magical.

The  picture is gorgeous aint it

And so I called upon the years of expertise built by one Julia Sanna

This Interview Is Long, So…….

Me and Julia spoke for an hour and thirty minutes and so I have divided this interview into three parts that will come out over the next fortnight.

I hope this interview will contribute towards the end of our creating, and I quote, an African Immigrant Relationship Manifesto where we basically look at all the unique aspects of our identity and leverage them to make our relationships absolutely outstanding.

Enjoy!

One Last Thing

To receive the latest podcasts, and all the previous podcasts, for free direct to your computer and mp3 player subscribe to the Displaced African podcast. Instructions on how to do this are in the short video below:

The Podcast

Issues Discussed

1) Who, Julia Sanna is and why you should pay attention?

2) How has immigrant life changed in the US over the 14 years she’s been abroad?

3) Why is her focus on counseling couples in their early years of marriage?

4) The absolute importance of the decisions that people make in those early years of marriage

5) What defines a successful relationship?

6) Importance of negotiables vs non-negotiables

7) Commonalities, shared values and their role in relationships
We go in depth into negotiables vs non-negotiables

9) The importance of the man’s earning power to women

10) The definition of love

11) How the feeling of love and the choice to love intermingle

12) What men want vs what women want

13) The search for one’s parents in their partners??!!

14)

Websites Mentioned

1) Sigmund Freud’s ideas

2) Julia’s website

3) Julia’s blog

My co-host on SARFM radio (I get tickled silly that I can say that), Pammy, sent me an email asking me to check out a video.

The Topic of the Video: Should You Move in with Him?

It was 3 African women discussing whether or not they should move in with a man while living in the disapora. Check out the Youtube video right here:

What’s Very Cool About the Video?

Is its something that’s relevant to me and that I can relate to: I have many friends and acquaintances who have moved in with their romantic and sexual partners.

Sure its very common for Westerners to do it, actually here in Oz de facto couples have almost equal rights to marriage couples depending on the duration of their union, but very rarely is it discussed by us for us.

So Check Out the Video

Leave some Youtube comments and let them know what you think. If you have anything to add to the topic area, you are free to leave a comment below.

Have an awesome day,

Mwangi

It will take me some time to get to my point so bear with me. For quite a few years now I have been fascinated with understanding relationships. Even though I am still in the stage of life where I am pretty much a wholesale seed distributor, I have always loved to reflect on, study and understand relationships that work and work for a really long time.

Long Distances and Mashada

So, anyway, one day I ended up on the popular message board Mashada quite distraught. There had been two long distance relationships I had looked at and thought to myself:

They will go the distance those ones. They’ll make it.

Typically when people in their 20s show up in the diaspora and say they are in a long distance relationship, I think of it at the very least as a joke and at the very most as an exchange of physical pleasure and flattery every so often, though when apart from one another, everyone and everything is fair game.

But not these two. Allow me to explain.

Relationship Number 1

They were both in their late 20s. They had both long since put the fun and nonsense that is high school and University behind them (point one for them). She was abroad pursuing her Masters and he was back in Africa holding down the fort.

When she spoke of him one could see that they clearly had a deep friendship and their relationship wasn’t just based on some superficial attraction (point two for them). She is a woman and she is abroad, and so of course African men jumped on her like chaff on Velcro. For a good year or so, the two men who had put forth the most consistent effort were consistently being shut down in spite of their clear charm (point three for them).

A Small Crack in the Ceiling

But alas one of them one evening managed to get her in a room for a game of tonsil hockey which was unfortunately interrupted midway. As soon as the interruption took place, the woman sped out of that room and we all thought that was all she wrote.

Six Months Later

Fast forward six months later and both of these men got what they wanted from her in spite of the fact that she had a chance to go back to Africa and visit her guy.

Relationship Number 2

She was quite young, still of college age, but she was the quintessential woman of faith (point number one for them). She admitted that once someone had her, he had her for life (point two for them) and that was pretty much her intention with her significant other.

No one has come between them, but the fellow who is also pretty young (point one against) has ended the relationship by trying to let her down easy. I won’t go into too much detail, all I will say is it took me by quite some surprise just how quickly it ended.

Right Back to Mashada

So anyway I end up on Mashada and I decide to ask folk:

Do these long distance relationships ever work?

Now of course a lot of you already know the answer that 9 times out of 10, especially when we are talking about people in their 20s they don’t work BUT out of that discussion something came up that I thought was definitely worth discussing.

Are Family and Community the Cornerstones of Succesful and Long Lasting Relationships?

You’ve all watched the TV shows where someone takes their partner to their parent’s home and the parents totally disapprove of him or her. In a moment of defiance, the person will normally grab their partner tight, leer at his or her parents and say something to the extent of:

Well she’s not marrying you. She’s marrying me and I love her. So regardless of whether you approve of this marriage or support it, we’ll get married anyway.

And then they walk of hand in hand to face the world together: Just the two of them and their love.

Is that a Huge Mistake?

In Australia we have this tabloid type program that’s very popular called a Current Affair. Sometime ago they had a special on Indian arranged marriages where they were trying to explore why Indian marriages last so much longer than typical Western marriages that are basically like Russian roulette with a 50/50 chance.

One of the things that came out of that is someone said:

In an arranged marriage, one isn’t simply marrying a person, they are marrying their family (or clan or community).

That got me to thinking….weren’t traditional marriages exactly the same and didn’t they also have the ridiculously low divorce and run away rates?

Accountability and Committment

I am just speculating based on the limited information I have but I think what it ultimately boils down too is when you marry or form a relationship with someone’s family or community instead of just them you have made a committment and are accountable to a lot more people.

Compare this with the typical love relationship where one is usually not even answerable to their spouse but instead to their feelings. How can we possibly expect to build a long lasting relationship or commit to anything long term simply on the basis of how we feel when we are so damn capricious as human beings? (I have waited so long to use one of my favourite words, capricious)

When you marry a family you are answerable to a lot of people and this helps get you by when your feelings tell you that you don’t feel like going.

They Force You Back Together

When you decide you need distance from each other lest you kill each other, you retreat to a family/and or community which considers itself a part of your relationship and so will try to force the two of you together……….

Back to You

My mental exercise ends there. What do y’all think? Does marrying someone’s family and community make a difference? Is this a load of bollocks? Leave a comment and let me know.

Just trying to figure this whole thing out,

Mwangi