I remember once meeting a man who had immigrated over from Zimbabwe and been around for a couple of years. This man was working a minimum wage to support his University education but let me assure you, that man had a PHD in Vehicular Science

Car Specifications

The man could spit out the name, rank, serial number, engine size, horsepower and shoe size of every vehicle that cost more than ten thousand dollars. Whether it was explaining why Lambogini was so superior to other brands or Mercedes was just a run of the mill car, it didn’t matter: as we sat in that Mazda 121, we were participating in a true car connoisseur session.

Sex Makes A Difference

The love for cars is different amongst male and female children of the soil. Men love to read car magazines and understand the beauty, the symmetry, the proportions, the pieces, the systems, the history and the mechanics behind the vehicle.

It doesn’t matter if he is part of the Walking Elite or has a barely getting by contraption that needs a screwdriver in the cigarette lighter to start, he will stop by any street corner pick up the latest edition of Cars Magazine and for a few minutes escape into a land where there is a beautiful car on one side and a gorgeous, voluptuous woman on the other.

Women on the other hand don’t know or care about what’s under the hood. All they care about is four things: how the car looks, how much it costs, how it’ll make her feel and how it’ll look to people whose opinions matter.

If a car ticks all four of the above boxes, a woman doesn’t care if the engine is made of titanium and assembled by Swiss engineers of Chinese descent: you had her at $70,000+

What to Do?

This one is quite simple:

1) If the African doesn’t have the car, “that they KNOW they deserve yet,”, then indulge them in their fantasies and continually remind them that one sweet day it’ll happen for them.

2) If they have the car already then just like the degrees, don’t forget to oohh and aaahhhh with delight that can only be compared to the cries of post-apocalyptic angels.

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Happy to be back and looking forward to starting the newest series soon,

Mwangi

Fashionistas are not the brightest people on Earth. Don’t they realize how much of their business comes from Nairobi, Jo’burg and Lagos alone. If they did, they would probably fly over the sub-Saharan continent on the way to Milan to show love to people who clearly love them.

It’s not simply clothing for us. It accomplishes the same things that money, degrees and money do: they make one African feel better than the other. And ultimately this is powerful to the African person.

If someone’s neighbour decides that Louis Vitton is the way to go. Watch out because soon she will not only have Louis Vitton hairbands but also Jimmy Choo shoes and Prada braces.

If it gets to the point where every inch of someone’s body is clearly adorned with show off pieces of Western branding then one can always revert to the default of “Africa themed attire” and accuse their competitor of pandering to Westernization while you are “keeping it real”. As long as my clothes are better than yours

It is remarkable how in spite of so many variations of “fashionable” there are within the fashion continent, some things remain so remarkably consistent. Therefore should you want to know whether an African is a fashionable one or not, look out for the following:

a) The shoes must match the belt (this one is set in stone and is Commandment number 11)

b) The hair must be as unnatural as possible. Simply combing it and not leaving it to grow wild is a great start. The more synthetic the process the better (The first person to read about the disciples having tongues of fire burning their head must have thought they were reading the story of an African at the saloon).

c) Every man and woman must have a work suit, after all how else can they get advanced degrees, climb up the corporate ladder and make bucket-loads of money to put bird’s nests on their head if they don’t have it.

d) Wearing natural hair ALL the time is the choice of only the misguided.

Remember, if the clothes or the hair cost some money, you insult or mock them at your own peril. Keep the above tips in mind and you should be fine.

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Before we get into the festivities for the day, let me say a public congratulations to the founders of Ushahidi for winning Net Square and please stop by White African and express your love and support.

Africans collectively are probably the best educated group of middle managers the world over. We love employment.Entrepreneurship is for these crazy Westerners. Employment is OUR natural habitat.

When we are born, we all want to work in some big corporate office and wear a very expensive suit and just enough cologne so that everyone can whiff the money as you walk on by. We are taught to expect the long days in meetings, the powerpoint presentations and the water-cooler-oops-this-is-Africa-where-it-doesn’t-work-so-let’s-say-the-

tea-room-where-you-boil-some-tap-water-with-some-fantastic-tea-leaves while you complain about the pain in the Gluteus that your boss is being.

Right next to this love of employment is a hatred and fear of entrepreneurship. Africans don’t like risk and taking chances. We don’t care if the top 50 billionaires are predominantly business owners who created new niches and sub-niches in the marketplace, we reason the 500 poorest folk were probably trying to do the exact same thing. We hate the fact that entrepreneurship means responsibility, especially when we fail…boy do we loathe and dread failure.

And so the typical African likes to stay in their cushy office and make fun of anyone who might try something as crazy as entrepreneurship. The key to this one is quite simple:
Marvel at whatever job title the African may present to you and always keep in mind the story of someone who started some really stupid business that ended up failing. This will amuse the African and remind them why they do the 9 to 5 thing in the first place.

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There is no gathering of African people anywhere around the world that doesn’t include the customary discussion of just what is wrong with Africa and how to fix it.

Don’t get me wrong though, it is far from a democratic discussion. The philosophy that gets the most airtime in the imaginations of the listeners is that of the loudest most dominant person. Sad to say, the expression that “empty vessels make the most noise” isn’t just a coffee mug logo: a lot of the time it’s true.

Sometimes however one is surprised by the quiet person in the group who proposes something like,

” We should take all the members of the (insert group they don’t like living in the country) and kick them out or use them for genetic testing.”

A key component of these bar room/church crusade/casual gathering strategy and philosophy sessions is no action must come out of them. For you see if the African knew they had to act on everything they said, they would feel a lot less free to share.

Therefore should you ever engage in these conversations with members of the continent be sure to:

a) Marvel at the brilliance of the most popular opinion. There is no need for you to give any form of input: By now it should be clear that the African is simply content seeming smarter than you. So make sure you acknowledge them as you would Einstein if you were there when he created the theory of relativity.

b) Whenever they discuss the African problems be sure to leer and express disgust at whatever outside force the speaker claims are responsible for Africa’s woes-other ethnic group, white man, politicians, women,men etc etc. Honestly you cannot go wrong with, “Satan is a liar,“, thrown into the mix every so often.

c) NEVER EVER EVER EVER propose or even think about putting any of these ideas into action. If you begin thinking or acting in that direction, Africans will quickly kick you out of their gathering: after all the African is talking to you to feel all smart and powerful, not to act or be held accountable: that’s just too much work and time taken away from making money, rising through the ranks and garnering degrees.

To explore the mind of the African a little deeper make sure you return here every day or stay updated by RSS or email to stay in touch.

Whereas other groups of people may take pride in proclaiming that, “they are beyond money” or “money is not the cause of my happiness”, that bug is yet to hit the African continent. Africans have an unrestrained love of money and equate it’s pursuit and attainment with happiness.

That is the reason why African mothers choose the University paths for their children the moment you come out of the womb: That path will lead to a great career as a pilot/lawyer/doctor/businessman/insert wealthy professional here. It’s just being smart: if the child ends up rich, then they will be able to brag to all their friends while they see out their retirement years in style.

Africans unashamedly look down upon manual and blue collar professions which tend to be the fort of the African poor and throw confetti and roll out red carpets anytime they are in the presence of wealth.

The key to how to handle this situation depends on at what stage of the socio-economic ladder the African is at:

a) If they’re poor or up and comers, empathize with them and the struggles they have to go through just to “hustle and make that paper, when the world keeps trying to bring them down.” At this stage it’s usually OK for you to pay for everything as the African will probably have a few holes in his pocket through which all their money escaped.

b) If they have any form of wealth, be sure to be the number one fan of all their displays of material wealth (refer to the article on Degrees for more guidance). Their plasma TV, their overpriced car, their expensive-but-Dear-sweetness-is-that-a-bird-nest-on-their-head hairdo amongst other things.

In addition to that, don’t discuss new age ideas like, “money isn’t the root of all happiness,” or “you don’t need money to live well,” to Africans. They will begin to get concerned about the state of your mental health.

There is much more to be said about the African relationship with money, but that is for another day and another edition of Stuff African People Like.

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Whereas Westerners now have to be convinced to even touch red meat, Africa would need the propaganda of the Nazi empire doubled over to convince them to leave their precious cows, goats and chickens for even a week.

Africans love meat. Always have! By the looks of things, always will. In almost all African communities, since centuries gone by, the slaughter and consumption of animals is always a special event in and of itself. Africans even have a hierarchy on how special the day of slaughter is and it goes a little something like this:

The bigger and fatter the animal and the redder their meat, the more special the occasion.

That means that to slaughter a chicken is basically an indirect way of insulting a man; slaughter a baby chick and you are declaring war. On the other end of the spectrum, slaughter your fattest cow and it is clear to your invited guests that you mean business and your house is one to be returned to.

For those misguided souls who for a variety of reasons chose to go without meat, such as yours truly, we are met with looks that can only be described as:

bewilderment-mixed-with-a-feeling-of-being-bamboozled-and-

inability-to-understand-such-an-alien-concept.

For you see, a diet consisting of fruits and vegetables has always been an indication of either poverty or getting by. If you can afford many cows AND you have so many that you can slaughter some on a regular basis and you are the King Mswati of your constituency. You should know by now how much Africans love to keep with the Jones. And never forget dowry was paid in cows, not wheatgrass.

The key to this one is simple. Don’t EVER bring up your veganism or vegetarianism unless asked. This will cause the African to look down on you with such pity and aching in their heart that they will immediately work to “bring you back to the light” in the same way a Jehovah’s Witness would.

In addition to that, never ever blame any health problems on meat. By now you should have learned of a great Scape goat (me likes that pun) in the statement, “It’s the work of Satan !” Use that liberally.

Finally, the African has built entire societies and communities around meat. Learn how to cook meat right like only the African can.

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Director of Human Resources
Chief Operations Officer
Manager of Custodial and Intermediary Affairs

It doesn’t matter what socioeconomic class you are talking about: Africans LOVE job titles. If you want to instantly boost morale, instead of calling them a cook, call them Director of Culinary Services and immediately watch productivity jump 100%. This love for job titles stems from a very deep inferiority complex that African people have. And there’s no superficial band-aid for a inferiority complex that works quite as well as the external validation a job title.

Even if the African person does no significant work within the firm, they will proudly flaunt their business card and proclaim themselves as a manager. Manager of what? Half the time, even Africans don’t know.

The key to this one is quite simple. Should you employ an African, make sure you give his job the fanciest name (now that you know how much Africans love big words, feel free to use flowery language when describing their job. In fact the more complex sounding the job title the better). In addition to that, don’t expect the complexity of the job title to match the added effort on the job.

Expect the same work you would from a normal security guard irrespective of whether or not you rename him the

Commander in Chief of South C House B, Servants Quarter……Esquire GSU MBA…….em, Makere trained, Officially Certified, High School Trained (Oh you get the point).

Whenever you address the African, you can completely forego the task of having to remember their native name if you always address them by their job title.

Finally, make sure you give him business cards, plaques and any external indication of his job title so that every single member of his extended family, social network and constituency can stare at it all day while he is at work.

Remember, “substance is nothing, title is everything” and you will be just fine.

To learn more about how the mind of the African ticks, stay updated via RSS or email every single day.

NB: If you live in the States please check out 12 things you can get for free from Majonzi. Feel free to join the discussion and share some freeebies you may have discovered over time.

Many Africans loves discussing all the way they are being victimized by the world. Whether it’s expressing suspicions that they didn’t get that job, “because they are black,” or “lamenting at how ignorant Westerners are for not knowing the location of their constituency,”, this is one of the all-time-favorite African pastimes, almost up there with church crusades, money chasing and sleeping.

Don’t be surprised if when sitting with a group of Africans you hear about all the neccesary “points-of-correction” for other races. Among them:

a) Asian people discriminating Africans in barely audible English.

b) Indian people calling Africans monkey though they are as dark as we are and have much more hair.

c) Every Western race wanting to have our skin – tanning-and our hair-dreadlocks, corn rows- and our curvaceousness but making us feel ugly for being who we are.

d) EVERYONE not knowing the constituency from which they came even though it’s such a famous African constituency that even the Pope should know it.

The key here is to stay out of these group discussions and shake your head in empathy, sympathy and with absolute disgust (at the foreigners) at all the appropriate times.

Don’t worry, when the African gets round to complaining about their fellow Africans (another all-time favourite pastime) they will mention you as an example of what African people should be like.

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Africans never get enough sleep. From the moment they are twelve years old, their schools have 12 hour days, 6 times a week.By the time they are hitting the job market they have had half the sleep that the rest of the world has had.

For that reason, if you take a journey through African Facebook profiles, you may be baffled and surprised to find out that A LOT of African people put sleeping right up there amongst their interests, and even above reading in some cases (”I had enough of those things at school”). When Africans say they love to sleep they love to sleep.

Ask an African what their perfect day looks like and somewhere in that day there are long stretches of time where they “chew a comatose” (slang for catching some Zs (zeds not zis) or getting some shut eye).

Africans don’t need any fancy equipment or machinery to bring the sleep about. Give them a flat surface and lots of time and they’ll know what to do. It doesn’t matter if the mattress is so expired and worn out that they are receiving free massages from the bed springs, they’ll make it work. It doesn’t matter if the sheets have a thread count so low that they really should be called see-throughs, the African will grab some heavy clothing and get down to business.

If you ever supervise an African in the workplace or are a teacher or lecturer of children of the soil, you might be surprised by how much they love you if you say something to the extent of:

“Kwame/Achieng, you are a great worker/student/human being. You look like you haven’t been getting enough sleep.Why not go home and get some sleep….on the company’s dime/without it affecting your attendance?”

Don’t be surprised if this statement results in uncontrollable crying and so many thank that you think you are in downtown Japan. For the next few weeks the African will put all their complaints aside (tough job but they’ll do it) and instead brag to all their friends how they are such good workers that they were rewarded with the greatest reward of all: a really long sleep in the middle of the day.

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Catch some sweet sleep tonight,

Mwangi

You can be forgiven for thinking that rather than being Christians,a lot of Africans belong to a religion called Anti-Demon or Anti….er…..er….Anti-anti-Christ Religion.

African people see demons and the devil EVERYWHERE. Whether it’s the cursed tree that meant that you didn’t get the job you are after, the man who gave your baby “the evil eye” that turned him into a criminal or even the witchdoctor who caused you to be unable to perform sexually, Africans can give you a deep, intellectual breakdown on Lucifer’s war strategy in every area of your life.

In addition to that, streets are littered with very cheap tabloid newspapers that can beyond the shadow of a doubt prove that Bill Gates, Bret the Hitman Hart and every secular musician in history is the anti-Christ.

Whenever someone falls ill, rather than blaming it on the usual culprits of a terrible lifestyle and diet, most Africans will immediately label it “an attack from the evil one.”

If one of your African friends ever falls sick then you will score HUGE points by taking the following quote and adapting it to your situation:

“Oh my, you are ill. It is an attack from the evil one. Don’t worry we will get read of this bad spirit. I will keep you in my prayer notes and we’ll pray for you in my prayer group.”

In addition to that, use the expression: “Satan is a liar,” liberally in any conversations with African people when appropriate.

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