Pretty provocative title huh?
This article was provoked by a discussion I started having over at Kelly’s blog, (you know I think its the blog I have linked to the most times unless I’m mistaken), anyway, I’ll quote the little discussion we had below:
Kelly said:
Do you believe in divorce? – Yap!
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce? – If any relationship is not working out, I don’t believe in struggling to make it work. Life is too short to spend it unhappy, fighting and stuff.
Mwangi said:
Do you believe in divorce?-Absolutely, totally, unequivocally not: Why make such a commitment and make some trust you when at the back of your mind you know you can break that trust. The fact that it exists, saddens me.
If you are divorced, why did you do it? If you have not, are there certain circumstances under which you would agree to a divorce?-Nope, she’d have to kill me. Even if she tried to (kill) me with a butcher knife,she is my wife and my gift from God, I have to take care of her until death parts us.
Kelly said:
@Mwangi: …….can I just say I love the way you’re passionate about the whole ’till death do us part thing’? For me, thats one part of the vows that I don’t plan to say IF I’m getting married cos I know, unfaithfulness, and several other things can do us part.
Mwangi said:
Btw (by the way for the unitiated), though I know this will severely limit my options once the time comes,if a woman believes in divorce she immediately puts herself in the buddy with benefits corner and no further than that. Ai, no, personality and compatibility matters a whole lot less to me than the knowledge that me and her will be together, forever through anything…..
Kelly said:
It’s kinda sweet but also scary to know the man you’re marrying would rather die than divorce you…
Mwangi said:
It’s a fear I am willing to live with, this is a lifelong thing…….
Val said:
Wah…mwangi..ati you’d rather death than divorce?? As PinkMM says thats tres scary..I believe in struggling to make it work..but only if both of you are committed to it..otherwise one sided struggles don’t do it for me
Mwangi said:
@Val: When one is young and the relationship is casual, keep it as casual as can be, no biggie, no problems there. But what I am not a fan of is people who lie to themselves and each other (telling someone you have known for a month or so I will love you forever, unless you bore me, do something wrong, make me feel worthless enough times, something better comes along etc etc) But if you look someone in the eye, and before God and a preacher make a committment to do something for life, you shouldn’t say something like that if you don’t mean it. If you do that, you’re lying to your spouse, the preacher, God, all the guests and most of all yourself. I don’t really want to be the type of person who has to lie to myself. Yeah, it’s not really as grave as it sounds, but when I decide to committ I intend on taking it very seriously. That’s why I was saying I know my way of thinking will severley limit my options: not enough people really believe in those marriage vows really, there is always a caveat (if I become unhappy, infidelity, my career, money problems, if it’s not working out etc etc) Hmm there might be a post in this somewhere we’ll see.
Mwangi, You’re Young Why are You Thinking About Such “Heavy Stuff” Now?
Well, the reason is because I deeply believe in the principle:
Begin with the end in mind
In spite of everything that I may or may not do while I am young, dumb and full of………, I must forever remember that when it’s all said and done I will eventually be blessed with the gift of a wife ( or wives 😉 ) and children who I will be responsible for every single day until I die.
So I think it’s important, from even the age of 15 or whenever it is that you gain some form of self-awareness for you to start thinking about the type of husband, father, friend, person you want to be. What you focus on is what you become? So please make sure you are in control of that.
Till Death Do Us Part!……..Unless……….
As you can see from the comments above, the mentality I am moving forward with and cultivating as I go along is that when I get married it’s till death do us part, full stop, exclamation.
In my mind I put no caveats on that statement: even if she tries to kill me I’ll stay with her, even if she bores me or doesn’t fulfill me emotionally I will stay, even if she tries to steal from me or cheats on me, I’ll stay.
Easier Said Than Done
Of course this is much easier said than done, but one thing that this life is teaching me is that in order to succeed in any field of endevour, you determine the desired outcome first and work on creating that rather than the “let’s wait and see what happens” mentality that a lot of folks chose to live by.
So Why Do You Think Like That?
I know a lot of you probably grew up in families where there were one or two people who were just black sheep through and through and through. Self destructive to the max and always bringing down the people around them.
I was so touched when I looked around at the times when this situation took place and realized that the family always stuck by the black sheep. That type of loyalty even during the hard times really inspired me.
In my first few years here, when I was an angry kid just trying to find my way, there were teachers in high school ( Mrs. S and Mr. K ) and relatives of mine who always tried to talk to me and guide me and mentor me and all through that period, my family was there. I never forgot that.
None of these people HAD to do anything. They could have thrown me out when I wasn’t-and still am not-the best person to be around. They could have ignored me or simply dismissed me as crazy, not always a bad thing, but they didn’t. They stuck by me.
I Want to Be…
I want to become the type of man who does that for my family. I never ever want my child or spouse to be in question as to whether or not I’ll leave or betray them. I never want to doubt myself or my ability to live up to the principles and standards that I set.
I view my spouse(s) and whatever kid(s) I may have as divine gifts from God that I am responsible for until the day that I day and I want to live that viewpoint through my actions.
Let’s Talk About Love
Now as many of you know, I am not at all a fan of building a life long marriage upon feelings of infatuation (what other folks called love) and that I don’t tend to view love the same way that other individuals look at it.
But will I be looking to get married to someone who infatuates me, of course. Will I want an absolutely gorgeous, curvaceous, bottom-heavy (African men know what I’m talking about) woman who I can converse with and who I feel I can bring something to? Of course!
BUT, I do not want our union to be based upon how much she infatuates me today. Sure I want to cultivate and work on passion so that I go nuts for her (I am easily entertained and excited so this shouldn’t be too hard) for the rest of our lives. But if she doesn’t drive me nuts, I don’t want to be the type of man who leaves in pursuit of the next thrill.
I don’t want my child to question their own worth because daddy can’t somehow find a way to navigate around the fact or solve the problem of the sexual spark being gone.
In Conclusion
And so I’m just letting you know, and in fact if this blog will still be around then, I expect you guys to hold me accountable, that when I go before a church, God, my family, friends and that minister, look a woman in the eye and tell her:
I will be there in sickness and in health. The good times and the bad. From this day forward you and whatever children we may have are my divine gifts that I will serve, love, protect and live for, TILL DEATH DO US PART!
You best believe I mean that. Of course it’s kind of scary, this is a lifelong journey with no guarantees: I would be scared for you if that didn’t make you a little nervous.
Be blessed and bless others,
Mwangi
Tags: African family, African marriage, African relationships, male female relationships, relationships
I’m certain everyone goes into it with that till-death-do-us-part mindset but, sometimes, other stuff comes into play and it just can’t work out.
That said though, I believe some people do take this whole marriage thing too lightly.
The problem with ‘Til Death Do Us Part is when it doesn’t take other things into account. The other person may have (even unintentionally) concealed things about themselves. They may change in ways they said they wouldn’t.
Those who aren’t willing to work on the relationship (which means themselves) rob themselves of many precious things. But I do think there are other things as well as the commitment to be considered.
Oh damn you forever polygamist! (Sigh).You think you will go before everyone more than once saying ’till -death-…..'(1st wife,2nd,3rd,etc,etc???)
Btw, your ideas are good, perfect ,that all men should have,but with love on top of it.Let me assure you that when you utter those words,you are for , but when things go way too bad, divorce becomes a solution.
A fact is that in marriage, there lotsa sacrifices(as a friend who just got married told me), but loving each other holds you together.You have no idea how it thrills to be told and showed that you are loved. Thinking of just holding on through the ups and downs, is just but being a mere dreamer.
Thanks once more for quoting yours truly. Now, as I said before, it’s extremly admirable. For me (having come from a broken family), till death do us part doesn’t exist.
Actually I will specifically ask the pastor to remove that part in my wedding vows, and if he doesn’t I go to the courthouse to get married.
Again, see my views above. I really admire Mwangi, but even with family, there is a point it reaches and I just distance myself.
I like the seriousness in re-affirming the importance of marriage…It is a lot of hard work… (i dont know about the 2 -3 wives????) youll just be making life harder for yourself with all those women!!!!!!!!!
@Mo: I must respectfully disagree. Most folks when they go in, already have decided on the caveats/deal breakers i.e. things that they just won’t put up with in a relationship and quickly leave over. As a simple example, how many times are you sitting with your pals and you start talking about how if your woman left you, got fat, got annoying, got clingy, got needy etc etc you would get up and bounce.
I think people decide on the reasons they will divorce long before they even meet their future husband.
@Evan: That is one case where perhaps a shade of gray may be introduced to the way I look at things: if the person you are committing to is really another person.
However, as I said to Mo, I think “other factors coming into play” isn’t the truth as much as, long ago deciding upon your deal breakers and then acting on them when the time comes.
You know, I think we definitely need to put more emphasis on teaching our children and each other just what this pot of gold is at the end of the road when one knuckles down and does the hard work in relationships
@Carol: That’s the thing, when “things become way too bad,” I will still stay in the game and work on it and in fact will even refuse to consider “the D word” as a solution ever. I think I’ll actually put it in my marriage contract that divorce is impossible under any circumstances.
@Evan: Hopefully being this militant and stringent about it will eliminate all the posers who want to come out and reveal “their true selves” later in the relationship.
@Pink M: You know, though we may disagree on the end, what I admire about your approach is the honesty and lack of self-delusion and “we’ll wait and see” that you bring to this important union.
Perhaps you and hubby can actually sit down before the marriage and decide on the deal breakers for each of you-will help both of you avoid them and compromise on them before hand.
Or perhaps do what you always say and not get married.
Hmmm
@salie: Welcome to tDA, I hope you enjoy your stay in the comments thread. Lol, I was actually talking to my cousin today about polygamy and he talked about how he would never consider it because there would be way too much headache from so much female energy coming his way.
@Mwangi, may be we’ll sit and decide on the deal breakers. I always think of the not getting married thing, but always wonder, what if there is a chance that I can have a great marriage, and I miss out on it?
I guess these are the things you never know until you’re there. People who are married always tell me ‘one day you will meet that one person you will just want to spend the rest of your life with….you will know when you do’.
They could be right or not, but I’m waiting for the day I meet that person, if I have doubts (like I’ve had before), then no marriage for me.
@Pink M: Iz how, you have changed your name up? Soul mates, huh? Hmm, I wonder how many people believe in soul mates and seeing love and eternity in someone’s eyes, when one compares men vs women. The whole deal breaker thing definitely makes more sense to me than “let’s wait and see” or “quickie marriages where you don’t get to know the other party” and all these weird modern variations and takes we have on the marriage institution.
I’m using the office comp, so when I had to log in, I forgot my regular name. 🙂
Thats what people call soul mates? Ok. Let me wait for that soul mate. Although in my mind it’s someone who we match body, spirit and mind, and who after dating for 3 years, I won’t feel like running away from…lol
Yeah, to me marriage is traditional. I don’t like joking about it, or around it. Serious business that one.
I’d rather have a boyfriend for 10 years, than get married as a trial.
my view on this has changed as I have gotten older. In my teenage days I would say if he did this or that kind of thing, but as I have gotten older I agree completely with mwangi. If and when I marry its till death. I think this also has to do a lot with the understanding of marriage through an understanding of god and god’s kind of love.
One of my friends parents who have been married for twenty years, just decide to get a divorced. This really made me think, I couldn’t understand what could make a person give up, let alone after twenty years of marriage. I think one of the reasons I have changed my views is because I would want the person going into marriage with me to do the same for me, unconditionally.
Oh and the polygamy thing, I always thought it seemed pretty hard to get a marriage between two people to work, why add more people to the mix, but that’s not to say it couldn’t work.
@Sariat: That idea terrifies me so much. That you can think you have a partner for life. Then when you are comfortable and feeling secure many years later, for one arbitrary reason or the other, they can just up and bounce from your life for good………