Comments on: The Cornerstone of Succesful, Long Lasting Marriages?!

By: Mwangi

Mwangi — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:47:55 +0000

@Caustic: Thinking you can change someone…..I have heard about the perils of that one quite a bit. I would actually love to hear more stories from folks. At some point in the future I just may write a post on that so I can get discussion going on this.

By: Caustic Blonde

Caustic Blonde — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 06:12:25 +0000

Simple advice, before getting married take it seriously, because when you say, “I do” it is supposed to be for the rest of your life. Don’t get caught up in the romance of it all and forget it is a serious commitment. Don’t marry someone and think you can “just change the person” after you marry, either love them for who they are or move on.

By: Mwangi

Mwangi — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 07:38:40 +0000

@Kelly: No it’s not that some needs are more noble than others…..existing under the assumption that men and women were created perfect as they naturally are, I was just trying to explain that the way male sexuality works and its proclivities towards either polygamy or infidelity appear to be biological as opposed to just psychological….meaning something that I share with an Indonesian as much as with an American.
Whereas female infidelity tends to occur as a result of emotional and other cultural factors that are not neccesarily a part of the female anatomy.
I think people just chose to love their partner as a physical manifestation, I.e. a piece of the divine.
In short me the way I see my life headed I’ll either have to have a long conversation with myself about just what I’ll do to keep my sexuality on check all marriage long or just find women who are down for polygamy..I was actually reflecting on that today for the first time.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 07:27:42 +0000

Yeah, this is a topic that can go for days, so this is my last comment. What I was driving at, with my parallel thing, men cheat to meet their needs (ego physical etc), women cheat for the emotional connection, so why should it be different if a woman cheats? Are some needs more noble than others? Most women are unfulfilled emotionally in their marriages but don’t look for fulfillment in other men.

Imagine I think to some extent, a love relationship kind of distracts a person from loving God. When you love someone else so much, you find that it’s harder to focus on God, but thats a discussion for another day.

As much as I’m a feminist, I think it’s a lesser evil for a man to marry many wives than to marry one and cheat on her. That way, we share the responsibility of the family, as opposed to where the ‘outsiders’ have all the fun while the wife does all the hard stuff. I’m yet to see myself as a co-wife though..

By: Mwangi

Mwangi — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 07:04:53 +0000

@Kelly: Some people marry because they see a higher purpose to it (A way to connect to God and express love for God while on Earth, which I think is just an awesome reason).
One can also marry to simply love and nurture and unleash the full potential of another human being.
Sadly a great deal of convenience marriages do happen nowadays huh.
Male infidelity and female infidelity are just two entirely separate creatures. I know you probably read the post I wrote kitambos on promiscuity among the sexes and I think the same apples and oranges mentality applies when it comes to male and female infidelity. For a woman to cheat on a man, a lot of the time she has already allowed that man in emotionally and they have formed a bond ( at least on the woman’s side) that transcends the bedroom and I remember being told that a lot of women sleep with men just to make them happy because they make her so happy.
A man on the other hand can sleep with a whore (literally ala Eliot Spritzer and apparently MLK, I don’t know if the site I read that from was a propaganda site or what) with whom he has no emotional connection before or after the act of sex….after sex we want to go to sleep, not cuddle (another thing that suggests that men are hardwired for this stuff)
Another way of looking at it, most women cheat to fill a void in their lives. Men can have the perfect woman but it’ll still be an uphill climb for him not to pursue excitement via sex. How much is cultural conditioning and how much of it is true nature, we’ll never really know, but the history I have studied seems to suggest my intuition is right.
I have a hypothesis now that the folks who invented polygamous marriage did so in order for them to work within their natural male rhythms in a manner that was dignified and maintained social cohesion…..as you can see I can talk about this one for days

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:49:02 +0000

If sex is physical, then why not have it with your wife 100 times a day? Lets draw a parallel here. As a man, you’re bombarded with all this temptation all day long, and I should understand when you have sex with another woman, because it’s all about meeting your physical, or ego needs right?
Now, will you understand if I sleep with another man because he makes me feel beautiful, pays attention to me etc, which you don’t so much these days because of the hassles in the marriage? It’s not that I love this man more than I love you, after all, I will come home to you daily, will take care of you and I’ll even be less nagging because my emotional needs will be taken care of. How palatable is that Mwangi?

What I’m trying to say, even women, especially in this day and age when they’re more assertive about their needs have the urge to cheat, but most resist it. Why do you expect us to understand when you can’t?

On the marriage thing, I think if you’re not marrying for love, then it’s for convenience. Not the business contract type, but in the sense that it’s benefiting both of you in a non emotional way. Just my way of looking at it.

By: Mwangi

Mwangi — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:41:37 +0000

@Kelly: I am simply explaining how the biology and mechanics of the process works….I mean any men reading this are free to correct me but as far as I can tell, especially when a man has power, fame, success or any of the things that pull women in great numbers, it’s a struggle NOT to cheat as opposed to doing so….how else can one explain MLK? Was willing to take stonings for a principle but slept around on his wife though he had a family he clearly loved? Anyway more progressive investigation and thought is needed in this area.

By: Mwangi

Mwangi — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:31:50 +0000

@Kelly: Since when has being blunt been a problem. If it’s constructive and useful say it. I am quite serious about the hardwired to cheat thing…..thinking about sex hundreds of times a day, being a straight up visual creature, not automatically becoming emotionally attached to women….strikes me that a lot about the male wiring points in that polygamy/infidelity direction. At the moment I am going on intuition, observation and experience and not much empirical research so…………..
Yeah, when it’s all said and done, that article you wrote a couple months back really made me think of what a raw deal women have always and continue to get in African marriages…it’s one of those things I would really have to ask God about because it really doesn’t seem fair….at all really.
When I marry I definitely intend to bring the best of the past i.e. bring the community into it and commit to loving the other person and taking care of them for life, but never do I see myself getting hitched for the sake of convenience, I don’t ever want to use marriage and my comrade for life as a way from running away from emptiness or loneliness or a void in life.
I really want to discuss polygamy some more so me thinks I should put a post in the oven for later on that one.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:29:28 +0000

Sorry for the double post. I believe married sex is holy in a way, so if you’re willing to go out there sleeping around ati ‘it’s just sex’, what does that say about sex (which is supposed to be holy again?)

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 06:25:22 +0000

I hear you on the ‘just sex thing’ but face it Mwangi, most men cheat for many other reasons. To me, there is nothing like being hardwired to cheat. Women are tempted to cheat too, but some make the choice not to cheat (and most these days go ahead. If it’s about sex only, then what do you say about these men who are married, but have a girlfriend on the side for over 5 years etc? For an African man, I think it’s more about the urge to be polygamous, than sex. Unless I’m getting serious value in that marriage, I don’t see the point in having a co wife, who gets the best of my husband, while I deal with the real stuff, like bringing up his kids, dirty socks etc.

May be I’m cynical, but I believe a marriage of convenience works best. We’re great friends,I marry you and make you a nice home, and in return I get babies, financial security etc and at the end of the day, we’re not alone in our 50s, you cheat on me, I cheat on you we move on. Question is, will we survive the marriage until our 50s when we settle down? Sorry if that sounds blunt, but I think life is like that.