What Type of Partner and Lover Will You Be? :I Am Growing Up

African wedding

I am growing up. I am actually growing up. Over the past couple of weeks, ever since I got hit by the lovebug, one thought has loomed deep in my mind: what type of husband/wife and father/mother do I want to be?

Now, seeing as I have the level of moderation of a junkie, I have thought about the answer to that question constantly and realized that in the grand scheme of things I have a lot of work to do.

I am still very domineering, especially of people that I know, and I think I need to calm down and work on creating the type of home where people can be comfortable being themselves and don’t have to worry about battling me for dominance.

In spite of that I want to create a home where people will feel safe. I want them to feel that when the world is crashing around them, I will be in control and I will handle what needs to be handled.

Wedding card

One place that I have made huge strides is honesty: Some time ago, I viewed my ability to lie to women as a virtue. Those days have since vanished. I want my woman to KNOW EVERYTHING about me. This isn’t because I am proud of everything I have done, especially in relationships, but because I want her to feel safe to be honest around me.

I want to home school my kids. The criticism I constantly hear about this is that the child is isolated from other youth and doesn’t develop social skills. For this reason I will probably enroll my child into a Christian school which he will attend a couple of days a week and I will home school him the rest of the week. Or maybe I will meet up with other parents who home school and we will create play dates. However it happens, I want to be responsible for shaping the character of the gift of life that God will give me.


The way I see my life going, I will probably end up a born again Christian who will found my own church ala Erwin Mcmanus. It will be a church focussed around men and developing men of character and strength. It will be practical and focussed on building projects such as Fidelis Wainaina did in Maseno i.e. projects that help people become self-sufficient, independent and self-confident.

I will create step-by-step guides for men on how to control their sexuality rather than be controlled by it. I think I have already spoken about how necessary this is, but in my case it will be beyond necessary because I WILL ALWAYS be faithful to my wife, not ony in my body but in my mind. I never want my eyes to even begin to find the possibility of the idea of straying attractive. I want my mind, body and soul to be drawn to only my muse and will do everything I can to ensure that happens.

I fear that I will not be enough. I am so idiosyncratic as a human being, and it is so easy to hate me that I fear one day after years and years of marriage, I will do something that will turn her off and she will leave me. I don’t know if this fear will ever leave me. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.

I also fear that my wife will cheat on me. Some men can be so good at seducing women, I fear that in the midst of some turmoil or a period where passion is waning, a man will sweep in and sweep my wife of my feet. I would be devastated. Maybe this fear will leave me, maybe it won’t.

African rose breastfeeding

I want my child to experience first hand the consequences of addictions. I want him to work in rehab centres and sexual addiction clinics so that he can understand the power of moderation and control and what can happen when you don’t have it.

I have to develop cleaning routines. At the moment my cleaning habits and routines are…..errr…..errr…..lacking to say the least.

I hope I will like the type of people my kids grow up in to. Because like everyone in my family, even though they shoot me, I will still love them.

I never ever want us to fight over money. From the moment our souls interlock, every cent I will ever earn will be hers. In my mind I am lucky in that I don’t fear poverty, so she can take every cent I have and I will still love her (who woulda thought huh?).

I will be the best lover ever. If not at the beginning, give me time. My personality is way too obsessive for me to not work on it until every evening is a spiritual experience.

Wedding rings

What type of husband, father, mother, wife and lover do you want to be? I never thought I would ever have such a strong desire to become a better human being: I guess love sickness does it to you.

Before you leave, make sure you leave a comment below.

You are loved, please go out today and spread that love,


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No Comments

  • By akiey, March 22, 2008 @ 11:02 am

    Ndugu Mwangi, if no one’s told (yet) and it’s not occurred to you (yet), you have a mind that works in both forward mode and reverse mode, you are an effective thinker on two legs man!
    Where am I headed with this you ask? Probably urging you to once in a while step out of your writer’s element and read your posts for what they are…good enough to be turned into a book.
    Brief, am a follower of your interesting articles and if you decide to put your work in print I will help publicize & market it. Your pen bleeds wisdom.

    Your fears, concerns and half doubts may be a sign that you’re truly not apt to jumping the broom on a whim. I’d say take it as it come and let nature take its course but as thinking beings aren’t we largely responsible and capable of shaping and eventually determining our own destiny? Trust that the wife-to-be may be asking herself questions similar to yours.
    Nobody’s born with a manual to life leave alone married life/parenthood. We learn as we go and re-learn as we grow, then perfect the lesson we get old, don’t we now?

    Okay, you said to go on ahead and spread that love, right? Guess I couldn’t be doing too badly considering I’ve been putting check marks on some of the qualities you ask of yourself.

    Time to turn up the volume on this Jodeci compilation in my ears since we’re bringing love back by bringing them back. That’s my way of spreading the love this winter/spring.

  • By gal africana, March 23, 2008 @ 5:09 am

    Terrifyingly honest post…to the point of owning up to some big fears…your “coupling” looks like it’s off to a good start…I think…I’m no expert though.
    Really hope your ‘Men focused church’ becomes reality coz like you said, women have inspiring leaders when it comes to advice on living their best lives e.g. Oprah, while men lack those inspiring leaders. The lyrics in that song are too funny lol

  • By Mwangi, March 23, 2008 @ 7:57 am

    @akiey: (Blush, guffaw, drawing map of Africa on the ground) Thanks for the kind words, you have made my Good Friday gooder (it’s a word ;) ) and my Easter weekend phenomenal. I think we should campaign for lessons in schools on how this whole relationship thing works because you’re right, it’s a very touch and go, fail a lot and see what works type of thing. I never even thought I would be thinking about the possibility at such a young, fruitful age so maybe the one thing this girl has taught me is once I meet someone am ready to be with, I’ll quickly and without any regrets jump the broom. I was interviewed by a paper today, so you never know, soon and very soon, I may end up being “Mwangi” the author and at least I know now I have at least one member of my PR department :D

  • By Mwangi, March 23, 2008 @ 8:01 am

    @gal africana: That whole idea of a male centred church, was something I never thought about until A WOMAN made me think of how most churches are centred around women and don’t have the male or male characteristics in mind. I am definitely thinking a lot about it, or maybe even doing something secular but positive for the fellas while I’m still secular. Those lyrics should be nominated for a Nobel prize why lie.

    btw @ akiey, since we are spreading the love, tell me if you remember this one: http://youtube.com/watch?v=2vszJXg0e6M

  • By Caustic Blonde, March 23, 2008 @ 8:22 pm

    This was a good read, I think at times we as humans think too much about marriage and then at other times we don’t think enough. I think there is someone for everyone and when you find that person you will know it. :)

  • By Mwangi, March 24, 2008 @ 2:30 am

    @caustic: Glad you enjoyed it! I think the key to all this is to “think”. To actually pull back and think about what we want and why, who we want and why. I don’t know if there is necessarily someone for everyone, but I do know that there are those people who as a man you just want and you know you can make their lives better and more fulfilling and they can do the same for you.

  • By Evan, March 28, 2008 @ 11:54 am

    Be careful about that obsessiveness. The way we go about reaching our goals can sometimes stop us achieving them. Your woman may feel crowded and overwhelmed by your obsessive nature (this is not a criticism of it).

    Intimacy means respecting other’s secrets. You saying everything may be helpful. A pressure for our partner to do the same rarely is.

    Wishing you every success with home schooling. The idea that schooling teaches social skills is a joke. If you children participate in sport and other things they will learn lots of social skills – and in a place far less brutal than most schools.

    Wishing you and your partner much pleasure and delight.

  • By Mwangi, March 28, 2008 @ 12:55 pm

    “The way we go about achieving our goals can sometimes stop us achieving them”- I never ever looked at it like that. Thanks for that. I think the only way I will find my limits is by testing them out, which is what I am doing right now.

    Just to be clear though I am not engaged and I am quite far from being engaged but thanks for wishing me luck and I wish you even more pleasure and delight as you journey through life.

  • By njeri, June 8, 2008 @ 3:54 am

    Mwangi: I am really enjoying ya writing style.
    You come across as a person who is willing to try even though you realize it’s not easy. I think ya will make a great husband when you meet the right woman and honestly I wish ya luck.

  • By Mwangi, June 8, 2008 @ 3:58 am

    @njeri: Thank you for the kind words. When I wrote this article I was in the midst of quite an emotional roller-coaster and I think our best (and even worst) work comes from this moment of pure, fluid emotion.
    Hope you can stay a little longer and give me feedback so that over time I can make this site better.

  • By njeri, June 8, 2008 @ 4:10 am

    Mwangi: No doubt I am very blessed to be reading and learning from ya experiences and will offer feedback as much as possible. May God bless ya work and may he also keep ya creativity flowing with these great and wonderful ideas.

  • By Mwangi, June 8, 2008 @ 2:16 pm

    @njeri: :D

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