I am growing up. I am actually growing up. Over the past couple of weeks, ever since I got hit by the lovebug, one thought has loomed deep in my mind: what type of husband/wife and father/mother do I want to be?
Now, seeing as I have the level of moderation of a junkie, I have thought about the answer to that question constantly and realized that in the grand scheme of things I have a lot of work to do.
I am still very domineering, especially of people that I know, and I think I need to calm down and work on creating the type of home where people can be comfortable being themselves and don’t have to worry about battling me for dominance.
In spite of that I want to create a home where people will feel safe. I want them to feel that when the world is crashing around them, I will be in control and I will handle what needs to be handled.
One place that I have made huge strides is honesty: Some time ago, I viewed my ability to lie to women as a virtue. Those days have since vanished. I want my woman to KNOW EVERYTHING about me. This isn’t because I am proud of everything I have done, especially in relationships, but because I want her to feel safe to be honest around me.
I want to home school my kids. The criticism I constantly hear about this is that the child is isolated from other youth and doesn’t develop social skills. For this reason I will probably enroll my child into a Christian school which he will attend a couple of days a week and I will home school him the rest of the week. Or maybe I will meet up with other parents who home school and we will create play dates. However it happens, I want to be responsible for shaping the character of the gift of life that God will give me.
The way I see my life going, I will probably end up a born again Christian who will found my own church ala Erwin Mcmanus. It will be a church focussed around men and developing men of character and strength. It will be practical and focussed on building projects such as Fidelis Wainaina did in Maseno i.e. projects that help people become self-sufficient, independent and self-confident.
I will create step-by-step guides for men on how to control their sexuality rather than be controlled by it. I think I have already spoken about how necessary this is, but in my case it will be beyond necessary because I WILL ALWAYS be faithful to my wife, not ony in my body but in my mind. I never want my eyes to even begin to find the possibility of the idea of straying attractive. I want my mind, body and soul to be drawn to only my muse and will do everything I can to ensure that happens.
I fear that I will not be enough. I am so idiosyncratic as a human being, and it is so easy to hate me that I fear one day after years and years of marriage, I will do something that will turn her off and she will leave me. I don’t know if this fear will ever leave me. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.
I also fear that my wife will cheat on me. Some men can be so good at seducing women, I fear that in the midst of some turmoil or a period where passion is waning, a man will sweep in and sweep my wife of my feet. I would be devastated. Maybe this fear will leave me, maybe it won’t.
I want my child to experience first hand the consequences of addictions. I want him to work in rehab centres and sexual addiction clinics so that he can understand the power of moderation and control and what can happen when you don’t have it.
I have to develop cleaning routines. At the moment my cleaning habits and routines are…..errr…..errr…..lacking to say the least.
I hope I will like the type of people my kids grow up in to. Because like everyone in my family, even though they shoot me, I will still love them.
I never ever want us to fight over money. From the moment our souls interlock, every cent I will ever earn will be hers. In my mind I am lucky in that I don’t fear poverty, so she can take every cent I have and I will still love her (who woulda thought huh?).
I will be the best lover ever. If not at the beginning, give me time. My personality is way too obsessive for me to not work on it until every evening is a spiritual experience.
What type of husband, father, mother, wife and lover do you want to be? I never thought I would ever have such a strong desire to become a better human being: I guess love sickness does it to you.
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You are loved, please go out today and spread that love,