I get the strange feeling I have written this article before: if I have, apologies but recent discussions I have had have added some greater depth to this topic area.
Growing up I have always had this sense that I was pretty alright. Even in my lowest emotional points, my self-esteem and honest belief that I had the potential to get out of it and surpass it has always been in tact.
This combined with my rather idiosyncratic personality and interests has resulted in many of my peers and superiors classifying me as shall we say, arrogant.
Now There are 3 Potential Reasons People Might Say That
1) Because people think I really shouldn’t be that confident about things so different from what they are confident about (after all, humility is not exactly a mark of the African personality so it can’t be a pure aversion to over-confidence)
2) I might actually be a little too confident and up my own posterior.
3) Reasons that I don’t know or understand
This is the story of how I realized that my self-confidence doesn’t really mean squat. Just because I think I’m worth something doesn’t mean other people are obligated to do so.
This is also the story of how this may happen to you when you immigrate overseas. Or if you are already here in the diaspora, this might be a story you have already experienced or heard about.
From Hero to Zero to Hero to Zero
I have told the story of how I came to Australia with a head big enough to fit its own Milky Way and how I went from the coolest new accessory in the country to about as desirable as a rash in the middle of the night.
But Here’s the Thing
As I was talking to people over the course of this week I realized: it has happened to other people too. Now give me a “Hell yeah!” if this has ever happened to you.
The Story
1) You arrive in a new country
2) You enter a new school, new place of worship, new sports group or any new social group within your host country.
3) That first week/month you make a bunch of new friends and you make great connections. You may even get telephone numbers and begin making plans for the future.
4) You are happy that you are in a new country and you are thankful that folks are so friendly.
When the Doody Hits the Fan
5) Might be your second week/month, third week/month or much later but it begins when you are passing one of your new friends in the hall.
You say, “Hi”
They say……………….NOTHING! They just pass you in the hall as though they never met you.
6) At this point you may get a little confused. This doesn’t happen to you. Where you’re from, when people were acquantances or friends, they at the very least acknowledge each other.
Rinse and Repeat
7) And then you get ignored again and again and again.
8) Before you realize it, you have lost most if not all of the new friends you made.
9) No one ever wrote the manual on how to handle the situation like this and so as much as you might try to feel otherwise you feel one, or a combination of the feelings below:
a) Worthless and not special at all.
b) Confused
c) Angry and spiteful at the people who have rejected you
d) Very very very alone.
If You Have Ever Gone Through This
Or know someone who has, feel free to leave a comment below and tell me all about it and tell me how you got over it.
If You are About to Immigrate Overseas
Especially Australia, be aware that this might happen to you. It doesn’t always happen, but from time to time this does happen. It has happened to me and this week, I met two other people who it has happened to.
So don’t be shocked, don’t be scared, don’t be confused, you are not alone, there are other folks who have gone through it two.
Immigrant Survivor Guide Newsletter
I have some tips for handling that situation in my free email newsletter: the Immigrant Survivor Guide Newsletter which you can sign up for by putting your first name and email address into the boxes below.
I Hate Spam, So I Won’t Share Your Email With Anyone.
Hope I have helped articulate some things that some of y’all have felt for a long time but have never had articulated.
For Some Added Depth
Check out the guest post that gal africana did where she added some flavour to this topic.
Be blessed and bless others,
Mwangi
Tags: African immigrants, Immigrant relationships, Making friends abroad, Making friends in Australia, relationships
What’s up Mwangi!
Often people confuse super self confidence with arrogance when the person believing in themself beyond a doubt makes it known verbally or through action that they can/they know/they are determined to bring about positive results. Many people go through life with doubt, self doubt actually and tend to get offended when someone else is making some tasks seem like a walk in the park. My 2 cents…do you, let ’em do them.
Situations you describe are definite ego busters but looks like life always gives us many more better folks we can get along with.
I take greeting very seriously and I don’t see myself ignoring someone even if they picked a quarell with me. We may not have more to talk about but ‘hello’ is a given.
@akiey: Welcome back my friend! As always you came with the encouragement, which is much appreciated đ
You know, I wish I could say that my life has reflected that, but I can honestly say that I have much less deeper friends right now than at any other stage in my life. I have always had people close to me who I completely trusted but that number has definitely dwindled, so I don’t know if I would believe in that as a principle, but I do believe that there always are good people, that’s definitely a reality.
Personally, I have actually adapted to that custom, partially because I get very self-conscious at times, and actually completely ignore many people if I am not guaranteed they will reciprocate the greeting and have all sorts of mental strategies to avoid saying hello. Definitely something I must get rid of……….
Hi Mwangi,
Let me add something to finish up on everything I have written.
We all have what is known as a feminine/sex force within us. This force is the force that determines how we feel inside us. It determines what some call our emotional states. Whether we are happy or sad ama feeling guilty or shameful.
This force is important because when we are young, it is highly connected to our parents and especially our mothers. We all desire to feel as though we are worthy and loved creatures and when we are, it is this force that makes us feel good about ourselves.
So, at the heart of all this is the issue of acceptance. Both by others and ourselves. Lakini what you find is that as many people, especially men grow up, the desire to be accepted by their parents shifts to the desire to be accepted by society. Thatâs how society remained civilized. The desire to be accepted by others and especially civilized women. Today, that mainly means being accepted by any woman. One can therefore see how the issue of being ridiculed arises here again. If one is not accepted and loved by our parents and society, we start to feel really shitty inside. We feel shameful, angry, guilty na kadhalika. Yet again, as I had mentioned, when one is in any of these states, maisha becomes ngumu. Meaning that you find everything difficult to do since you lack motivation and feel very lazy (kama umechoka all the time), slow ama stupid. You just cannot seem to get anything done unless there is a force âforcingâ you to do it ama you face the consequences. From here is also born the fear of struggling. With these two fears intact, one is basically screwed up.
Do realize that these shameful feelings etc. are put into us automatically via our false identities. We know how the African does so simply by watching TV. The national identity is done first of all via our parents. It is they who ridicule us and tesa us while young, after that it is the women of the said country that continue the work. Therefore you find that many fathers are simply an extension of the mother. Many of them will tesa their own sons to look good in front of their wives since in society, many are simply powerless. Then of course women pick up after our parents and the cycle continues when you get kids. Then you have the city/yuppie identity which is basically about being accepted by men and also deals sana with issues of struggling. Especially also with regards to being attacked by other men, issues of struggling and ridicule combined.
So, how do we deal with this situation? Very easily despite what many think. First off is to remove the belief that women are mungu. That is of course a belief due to two reasons,
1. The western system is run by women and if you live in it, you have to follow and play by their rules. They call it being âtrainedâ.
2. The second has to be with our mothers. The belief that we have to treat them like mungu even if they are shitty useless creatures. Ati because they brought you into this world. Many men even fear annoying other women because they associate other women with their mothers. Thatâs why when you point out the obvious with respect to these nyangaus, they ask you if your mother is the same. Add to that, mamas boys i.e. men who are ready to defend these nyangaus at any moment and will do anything including physically attack you to get some kuma points with these baboons. Then a final point is that many men seek out women who not only behave like their mothers but also look like their mothers. Lakini the watois never look like any of the parents.
So, how do you remove this belief. The first is to realize that the feminine/sex force is connected to what is commonly known as the Goddess. Thatâs why these nyangau women like to refer to themselves as Goddesses. And thatâs why many men believe them because they too know subconsciously that the force is connected to the Goddess. And who is this Goddess? One has to look into their religion of choice. In Catholicism, it is the Virgin Mary. In Gnosticism, it is Isis/Black Madonna. In Hinduism, itâs Shakti. In Buddhism, it is Tara. Every religion has the concept of the Goddess. When you reach a certain age, you should no longer desire the acceptance of ones mother but seek out the acceptance of the Goddess primarily and society secondarily. How is this done? By adopting the 7 basic humane virtues i.e. humility, loyalty, generosity, honour, faith, love and (I have forgotten it at the moment. You look it up). When we do this, we are accepted by the Goddess and we automatically feel like worthy human beings who are worthy of being treated well and loved. Not only that, but in the old days, being accepted by the Goddess was being accepted by society in general and especially women. When we donât behave virtuous and act arrogant na kadhalika, we of course start to feel shitty.
Today lakini, people are seeking celebrity as a form of being loved. This makes people even feel more shitty because being a celebrity is about being famous for âvirtuesâ that one does not really possess.
There are also other ways by which one can stop feeling shitty rather than prayer to the Goddess which is the most powerful.
1. Reading: The most hated activity by these nyangaus. They hate men who have chanukad and know whats going on. So they try and ridicule men who read by even calling them shogas. When it comes to reading though, there is a belief that reading too much makes you dumb. It is partially true meaning this, it depends what books you read. Stay away from academic books. Books written by university scholars for most part. Read books by everyday people who have something to say. Also read literature sana. Lit can help you understand mob things especially with regards to human behaviour. Seek out African and Indian Literature. Indian Literature has themes very similar to those in African cultures.
2. Dress: Dress in a way that makes you feel positive and confident. Make sure your clothes are clean, shoes polished and the works. Same with hairstyles and all that.
3. Environment: Make sure that your room is clean and looking good. You do not even have to buy a big house to feel good about where you live as they tell you. Just make sure that where you are is comfortable, clean and well decorated to suit your tastes. Meaning that it should be a place you are happy to spend time in and can even consider spending the whole day in there without wanting to leave. Also make sure that the people you associate with are positive minded people meaning that they can see the system is messed up. Avoid anybody who supports the system.
4. Music: Listen to positive music since music can help sana in making one feel good about themselves. Stick to Reggae, Jazz na hata Country even if it is Kikuyu Country like Kamaru. Thatâs positive music. Wachana na hip hop which just makes you feel angry 24/7.
5. Food: Very important one. Make sure that you eat clean and healthy food that consists of a lot of veggies, fruits and milk. The traditional Rastafarian diet. It will make you feel very good. Not only that, it is another form of prayer by which we offer food to the Goddess as they used to do in the rituals of old.
Realize that these nyangau women will try to make you believe that you are more messed up than they are. You are not. As I said before, we all have the feminine and a masculine force too. The difference is that those who have a stronger masculine force become male and those with a stronger feminine force become female. Now here is the expose (hiyo ni kifrenchi). Think of the shittiest feelings you have ever had and know that these women feel about 5 times worse because of their stronger feminine force. Lakini they never tell you and make you believe its you who is messed up. These same women then seek out 4 ways to feel good about themselves,
1. Sex/Violence: They get a high (good feeling) from causing violence towards others and even themselves. When they seek out sex, it is always violent sex and thatâs why they are obsessed with men who have dicks the size of a farasi. Not only that, they make you believe that you are the loser and a wanker when in reality, it is them who masturbate like 24/7. Ever been to a sex shop? 95% of all sex toys there are geared towards women. I am talking of some heavy duty WMD type of stuff. Add to that the fact that the vast majority of porn out there is actually made for women. Women are the largest purveyors of porno and other sexually deviant behaviours. They call it being liberated to act like whores. Ati Independent women. Yet again, they also love instigating violence not only towards other women (they use pussified men for this) but also by making men fight. They need this high to make them feel good. They hate to see a man who is happy and smiling.
2. Drugs: Another way they seek a high is via drugs. Many start out with prescription drugs and become addicted to them before making their way to the hard drugs. The vast majority of women in the Western world are druggies of some sort. From alcohol to even eating grass.
3. Money: Now this is a major one for them. They are obsessed with shopping. Buying stuff they never need to make them feel good about themselves. Ati someone has 100 pairs of shoes. Kweli watu ni nyangau. Then, they expect to get a man who can pay off their credit cards for them. These nyangaus can never work at all. They are the most useless creatures ever.
4. Oral fixations: By Oral fixations, we mean that people get obsessed with putting things into their mouths to make them feel good. This is something mostly suffered by women. The most obvious one is gossiping. They cannot stop gossiping and attempting to destroy other peoples lives so as to feel good about themselves. Another way is via eating disorders. They eat too much or not at all resulting in obesity or other eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia na kadhalika. The final obsession is with oral sex. They do all this so as to confront the feelings of going crazy they sometimes get. Due to not living according to the laws of the Goddess i.e. humility etc., their punishment is going crazy.
Realize that you too are prone to the above behaviours as well in an attempt to feel good. Most men usually turn to drinking, ganja ama masturbation na porno.
So, you can imagine what kind of hell they are living in. Lakini they put on a mask ati all is fine and its you that is messed up. You only realize their issues if one is dumb enough to marry them.
Now realize this, it is the feminine force by which the concept of community is born and thatâs why women are strongly associated with the concept of community. In the old days, the concept of community was based on the worship of the Goddess. People used to get together and hold religious rituals/celebrations celebrating the Goddess. After that, they would sit around and eat and bonga. In Africa, this was mostly based on visiting âcucuâsâ place and eating nyam chom, pilipili and the works. And finally holding another kalong prayer while standing. Today that concept no longer exists. Cucu was seen as a representation of the Goddess i.e. humble, honest, loyal etc.
Now, get this also, when you fail to connect your feminine force to the Goddess, it becomes connected to those around you. The feminine/sex force is the force they refer to when they speak of chemistry or sexual chemistry between two or more people. So, if it is not connected to the Goddess, it automatically gets connected to those around you and thatâs why one may wonder why they feel kizunguzungu for no reason. Since this force is associated with women, it is also automatically associated with ones national identity. So, you will find that if you connect to certain women, you will dress, talk, walk etc. how they want you too. Mostly to seek their acceptance. Not doing so means that you are selling out. You are a weak man and not taking care of âyourâ women. Do realize that for them, ati marrying and dating outside is not a problem. They can never ati be sellouts. Only you can.
So, look at the women in your society and realize if you do not connect to the Goddess, you are connected to them. After all, they are the community. By connected to them I mean that you connect to their feelings and thoughts about you and other Africans and life in general. One reason why you may feel anxiety. They hate you despite what they say or how they behave. Remember that, itâs true also for white women. White men as I said before are just on a power trip due to their being made powerless and enslaved by the system. They are not really racist, just angry. Sometimes, its hard to differentiate between anger and racism. You also connect to their own thoughts and beliefs which tend to be totally irrational and illogical. In short you start going crazy or feeling kizunguzungu. Thatâs why if one gets angry at you, you strongly feel it. Even if they have kasirikad without showing it to you. You become paranoid. Not only that, connection to them is why you mainly self-sabotage. You may feel anxious about succeeding but not know why. After all, the system (women) tells you that you should succeed and thatâs its white men who do not want you to. In reality, itâs they who do not want you to succeed and because you can sense this, you start to wonder why you feel anxious about succeeding. You therefore self-sabotage. Itâs also about the desire to be accepted by the Goddess which has been perverted to the desire for acceptance by women. Some men never succeed because if they do, they are rejected by women. Donât believe that these nyangau women want you to succeed for one minute. They want to see you either pitiful or they want to harass you and treat you like shit. If you succeed, they will plan with some of these bitch ass niggers to rob you ama the only women you will attract are golddiggers who will use you for your money. When it comes to the Goddess, not connecting to her means that you wonât get the help you need. When people speak of praying to God/Jesus for help, its really the Goddess that they should be praying too. Its why even when we are young, we often go to our mothers for help before our fathers. Pray to the Goddess and help will come your way. Think of her as a system. Pray for anything including money, jobs, relationships and she will bring them your way. Even healing when you are sick, thatâs why you have heard of miracle healings done via the shrines of the Black Madonna in Europe. Healing includes proper mdinyo too. So, you also never have to develop the fear of failure. As Robert Nesta Marley said, âwhen one door closes, another one opensâ. Only if you pray to the Goddess and give your best.
In conclusion, I must say that the vast majority of women out there are kabisa messed up. Totally. There are very few good women out there. Despite what they want you to believe, there are not many Michelle Obamas out there. Very few. Many of them are part of the clique you referred to as âthe outsidersâ in another article. You never see them. So, you have to realize that you have to create a life for yourself that does not depend on women sana. A life where women are seen occasionally and not often. A life where you mostly associate with other men. That is why I had suggested that you adopt the Hustler personality instead of the National identity (women defined identity). Wachana with thinking you are a Kenyan. Even in Kenya, nobody sees themselves as Kenyan. People only see themselves as Kenyan when outside Kenya. Your people/tribe should be Hustlers. A Hustler does not think too much about women, he is always doing his hustle. This includes robbing the system if you can. Be like Robin Hood. The system is already corrupt and very UnGodly, the best thing one can do is help bring it down by any means necessary. God will thank you for it. Form a band of brothers like Ali Baba ama the Musketeers, thatâs how life will be lived in the next few decades as people try to sort out the damage that the American financiers have done to the world for decades before change finally came. Avoid women, most of them are going to start going crazy too. Now that they no longer have credit cards, they cannot finance their other addictions like food, sex toys, drugs etc. Can you imagine a drug junkie who cannot get a hit. Thatâs what you are dealing with. Make sure that you connect to the Goddess as fast as you can. A good example would be Shakti/Durga/Parvati of Hinduism. Do some research and find some simple prayers and simply pray to them everyday so that you do not connect to these women in any manner. If you are connected to them, you will find yourself in a mental hospital. I am telling you, its just a matter of time before you see some of these women running down George St. half naked while screaming out unexplainables. Its going to be a wagoroki fiesta. Switch off the TV, the real entertainment is on the streets.
Connect to the Goddess and life becomes easy. She is the only one who can do you favours and help you out when in need. She is the one who makes you feel worthy of success. Before you succeed, you must feel worthy ama you simply procrastinate. When people say they are waiting for the green light to succeed, they are really saying they are waiting to feel worthy. Most crazy thing is that she has forsaken the vast majority of these women. Even if they prayed to her, hakuna. We are entering the age of Wagorokis. Malipo ni hapa duniani.
Asante sana.